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Post by Aish on Feb 22, 2015 5:22:10 GMT -5
v.2
I am ticking in the darkness
in my mushy confines my bones and inland sea;
I am tocking and ticking and time bomb-ombing.
To say it's like a clock is so maudlin (and cliche). Attempting to describe it
. . .
leads to lapses.
Dead spaces, languid observations: am I the imitation of the sounds I create? Do I resemble that which I seek and half-ass find?
How long before the ripples of ecstasy from my lovers tongue or hands stop? Tock cock, talk.
Sometimes feverish panic ties itself to my back and palms - that incessant, quiescent, adolescent twitch. Nonrythmic tic, tic, tic.
Fear is true at the greatest depths and the shallowest.
I am ticking. And tocking. And time bomb-ombing.
Pulsing.
I am not me, she is not her. Yet here we are, bundled together for warmth and God knows what else.
______________________________________________________________________________________
v.1
I am ticking in the darkness
in my mushy confines in my bones and inland sea;
I am tocking and ticking and time bomb-ombing.
To say it's like a clock is so maudlin (and cliche). Attempting to describe it
. . .
leads to lapses.
Dead spaces, languid observations: am I the imitation of the sounds I create? Do I resemble that which I seek and halfass find?
How long before the ripples of ecstasy caused by a lovers tongue or hands stop? Tock cock, talk.
Sometimes feverish panic ties itself to my back and palms but that incessant, quiescent, adolescent twitch. Nonrythmic tic, tic, tic.
fear is true at the greatest depths and the shallowest.
I am ticking. And tocking. And time bomb-ombing.
Pulsing.
I am not me, she is not her. Yet here we are, bundled together for warmth and God knows what else.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 22, 2015 22:43:58 GMT -5
You are clearly not in need of any grammatical or technique correction. You had me at 'time bomb-ombing'.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 23, 2015 2:43:07 GMT -5
“Onomatopoeia“ - It’s been so long since I’ve seen the word I had to look it up. This has been working its way to the front of your mind since your last birthday. I don’t like it, I love it. It’s so… honest. One nitpick – “Sometimes feverish panic ties itself to my back and palmsbut that incessant, quiescent, adolescent twitch. Nonrythmic tic, tic, tic.”The “but” in L3 feels out of place. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by twistedangel on Feb 24, 2015 11:07:31 GMT -5
had to google the title..thought it wos some kinda medical problem..oops...or in Onomatopoeia terms...DOH!! just had to laugh at (and cliche).. also i agree with Bastet about the 'but' nice
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Post by Bastet on Feb 25, 2015 1:34:31 GMT -5
I am ticking in the darkness
in my mushy confines in my bones You might remove "in". and inland sea;
I am tocking and ticking and time bomb-ombing. All I can think right now is "We are 'Sex Bob-omb.' We are here to make money and sell out and stuff."
To say it's like a clock is so maudlin (and cliche). LOL Attempting to describe it
. . .
leads to lapses. I'm really digging the interplay betwixt 'lapses' and 'ellipses' tied to 'dead spaces' below.
Dead spaces, languid observations: am I the imitation of the sounds I create? Do I resemble that which I seek and halfass find? Halfass might need a hyphen or separation.
How long before the ripples of ecstasy caused by a lovers tongue or hands stop? Tock cock, talk. Can I just tell you that "Tock cock, talk" might be my fave line ever. It's a cock clock (eh, biologically you are a ticking time bomb, right?), with smirky alliteration and a sly wink and nod. Let's talk about sex babee...
Sometimes feverish panic ties itself to my back and palms but that incessant, quiescent, adolescent You could remove the "but". twitch. Nonrythmic tic, tic, tic. Another great play on words as well as alliteration. I would have never thought to combine a nervous tic with 'tick' and the roll the entire concept into an organic, raw communication about the middle of one's life.
fear is true at the greatest depths and the shallowest. You forgot to capitalize.
I am ticking. And tocking. And time bomb-ombing.
Pulsing.
I am not me, she is not her. Yet here we are, bundled What about dropping 'bundled' onto the next line, as well as making [and God knows what else] the final line? together for warmth and God knows what else.
This is raw and brutal, a little funny, a little sad, a whole lotta feminine perspective. I am terrified of this part of my life, but even more so of menopause which I feel you have alluded to as well.
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Post by Aish on Mar 5, 2015 4:14:52 GMT -5
You are clearly not in need of any grammatical or technique correction. You had me at 'time bomb-ombing'. Thank you for the gracious praise, though I am not sure I've really earned such a strong vote of confidence. Welcome back! It's good to see you here again. LF, you are correct in your assessment of the impetus behind this. I am gonna strike that word right now. Angel, you made me laugh. I really appreciate your sense of humor and candor. That little word is gone. Lolly - I ma truly humbled and appreciative of your critique. You're getting it all right. I am going to clean this up now.
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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Apr 16, 2015 20:24:16 GMT -5
This definitely struck a cord with me.
'How long before the ripples of ecstasy from my lovers tongue or hands stop? Tock cock, talk.'
Cock made me giggle initially,but I kept going back to this. Its difficult to find myself when I'm so tangled in these ideas of what others want from me.
'Fear is true at the greatest depths and the shallowest.' Wiser words are seldom spoken.
I'm confused by the V2 and V1 - could you please explain that one? I just skimmed over V1 because it looked the same as V2 - was that a manifestation of 'am I the imitation of the sounds I create?' ?
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Post by Aish on Apr 22, 2015 16:14:19 GMT -5
LUuuuuucyyyyy!!!!! Oh my darlin', welcome back! Goddamn I needed the smile reading you here brought me V2 doesn't differ much from V1- I just cleaned it up a little.
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Post by Moonstone Maiden on Apr 26, 2015 3:38:55 GMT -5
Thanks Mumma, glad to be back ^_^
Just re-read this poem & it's just as beautiful the second, third, fourth time around. Much like its composer.
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Post by brokenwingedangel on Apr 27, 2015 18:28:36 GMT -5
A beautiful piece, raises the question are we a representation of what we atttract possess own to me, such detail like in the line tock cock, talk as the individual is trying to focus to say talk but sex distraction on the mind words true words illexpressd
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on Jul 6, 2015 19:55:04 GMT -5
Very erotic
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Post by lewis82 on Aug 2, 2015 8:28:18 GMT -5
A great write!
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