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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 20, 2015 23:25:41 GMT -5
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 21, 2015 23:29:51 GMT -5
There isn't much I want to say except I like it. It's a bit wordy in my opinion but not overly so and any suggestions from me along these lines would be from wanting to make this my own. There is a lot here I wish I had said; "It has me salivating at the prospect of re-imagining the reasons why I used to live" - Direct hit. I nearly suggested adding "... why i want to live" but it's not necessary. I see it anyway and that is part of making it appealing to the reader. Nice! I love the end too. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 21, 2015 23:50:43 GMT -5
It feels good to share again. Thanks for the kind words. I know its maybe a little wordy, but I wrote this specifically to be spoken aloud. And the way it rolls off my tongue makes it feel perfect. I heard a poet being interviewed once and she said, "If you can say it with less words, anything more is just window dressing." And I agree with that, it's just that sometimes I have to take the long route to get to the place I'm trying to get to. Thanks again.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 22, 2015 0:26:47 GMT -5
I don't quite get it, but I don't think this is necessary sitting here in the night I can feel her now The piece begins for me here. "can" should be struck.As if she's broken through these concrete clouds somehow I'm not sure 'these" is necessary.Spearing like lightning, it's her essence Would you be open to something along the lines of "her essence spears like lightning"?Crashing like thunder, unimaginably loud And here, rearranging to "thunder crashing unimaginably loud" to avoid another simile.She's drowned out my own reemergence And that swiftly approaching fact had had me dancing, Is this line necessary?the moments ticking off euphorically fast But the sudden specter of her presence out there on the town I think you could strike everything after "presence".has proven enough to slow everything right back down. Is "right" necessary? I suggest a line break here.Her ghost haunts my memories, so intimidating And yet, the threat of her is so motivating Is "and" necessary?The idea of being inside of her again illuminating hidden desires within I think you could use "illuminates" and strike "within". We already know the desires are within. That would break the small internal rhyme though, so maybe it's fine.The heat of breath, the pulsing beat beneath her breast Breath and breast work great here.The sizzling touch, the taste of skin Consider "One sizzling touch" instead of "the".It has me salivating at the prospect of re-imagining the reasons why I used to live All this line needs to say is "has me salivating".How it ended the way it did, I just never understood Strike.We'd found the forgiveness that only a lover could Strike.Inside our hands a plan unfolded seemingly as it should This strophe begins for me here.I'm going to end my line by line here and take a big old bunch of liberty. Please remember this is my opinion only, take it or leave it. I don't mind the length as such, but you are very wordy when you don't need to be. Remember the old adage "show, don't tell". I'm not trying to re-write your work, just consider what I'm about to do as a representation of what I think would be a more , eh, effective piece.Sitting here in the night I feel her nowas if she's broken through concrete clouds somehowher essence spears like lightning,thunder crashing unimaginably louddrowning out my own reemergence,the moments tick off euphorically fastbut the sudden specter of her presence is enough to slow everything back down.Her ghost is haunting, so intimidatingyet the threat of her is so motivating...the idea of being inside of her againilluminates hidden desires withinthe heat of breath, the pulsing beat beneath her breast one sizzling touch, the taste of skinhas me salivating to begin.The piece ends here, in my opinion. Everything after this point is a separate piece. It deals with past transgressions and making amends for them. It has a different tone. The remainder reads like it could be a letter, or the dreaded "journal entry". That being said, there are portions I feel could make a second piece.Example:Soaking in midnight, the whispering hiss of transgressions become a solid spectre of regret. Echoing how I've been taking too long takin' them turns that turned out wrong
etc.
The final strophe could also be a stand alone piece, albeit with a little work to clean it up. I realize I have butchered your offering. The length itself is not the cause, it's the switch in focus. What remains is not poetic. It's cathartic and personal and that's o.k., it's just not poetic except for a few turns of phrase. There is a good deal of information here that the reader really doesn't need.
Again, just my opinion. Thank you for allowing me to sink my teeth in.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 22, 2015 0:29:59 GMT -5
It feels good to share again. Thanks for the kind words. I know its maybe a little wordy, but I wrote this specifically to be spoken aloud. And the way it rolls off my tongue makes it feel perfect. I heard a poet being interviewed once and she said, "If you can say it with less words, anything more is just window dressing." And I agree with that, it's just that sometimes I have to take the long route to get to the place I'm trying to get to. Thanks again. I feel like an asshole now.
Spoken word pieces and written for the page pieces are leagues apart. I would love to hear you read this. Spoken word pieces are generally longer and more conversational in tone, and I get that. In case you are unaware you can add audio to the post.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 22, 2015 0:37:44 GMT -5
I'd said it right before you replied, I know I take the long way home sometimes, often times. And you're right, it is cathartic and personal. I can see the points you're trying to make. No one's ever taken my intestines out, tied them in a bow, replaced them, then hugged me before. I feel very strange. Thanks for having an opinion. Definitely not an asshole, I'm glad you saw something intriguing enough to develop an opinion. I've been inside a lot, and this is something I do to express myself to myself and to pass time, and I enjoy sharing it. Many of the people I meet in those places, however, wouldn't care to read something. And I've found that a performance of a piece can intensify the catharsis for me and make something that someone else would normally not care two shits about become intoxicating.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 22, 2015 2:56:11 GMT -5
You are a rock star!!!! HA! I love this element!
Do you perform spoken word out and about? If not I think you definitely need to look into it my friend. This is a wholly different creature when spoken.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 22, 2015 2:59:28 GMT -5
I have for people before, but not at an art house or anything like that. But that's my intention. It feels good to put something out there and get feedback like that. Thank you. Rock star, Haha!
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Post by Bastet on Feb 22, 2015 3:00:18 GMT -5
There are Slam competitions, you know.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 22, 2015 3:07:10 GMT -5
Yeah I've seen videos of them online. But I'mma take baby steps, I think about 12 people is the most I've spoken something for at one time in person.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 22, 2015 3:09:39 GMT -5
That's more than I could do. I understand baby steps. You have to learn and get in the groove and get used to it, not to mention fleshing out the proper venues and crowds. Cool beans, dude. Seriously. COOl. f*ckING. BEANS. I hope more members add vocal elements. I think you might be the first member to use this particular feature.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 23, 2015 2:04:52 GMT -5
I love the dialog and vibe here When I first saw Bastet’s reply I thought; “Man that was a lot of work. She really loved this.” I’ve been told that I have a calming and soothing voice. The kind that people hear on audio books. Public speaking is something that was never easy for me but I kinda’ had to get over it in college and when I joined a sword fencing guild. It has been awhile though and the idea of reading aloud to an audience makes me cringe again. It made me think of something though. Generally, when I read here or even when I write my own work I keep it in my head but late at night, when everyone is in bed and the door to my computer room is closed, I read aloud. It is quite different so I try to read all my own work aloud before I post it. There are a few of my works here I was tempted to add audio to but I’m not practiced anymore. If I had been reading stories to the kids at bed time I’m sure I would but it is something that seams easier to work up to and I don’t have any kids. That strikes me as odd. It’s not like I practice a speech before I make a phone call or before I talk to my neighbor. An “audience” makes all the difference for some reason. I thought I had gotten over that. On the other hand, when I spoke at a podium or as an actor at fair, I had the support of group and friends around me. The podium was always the worst though. It’s far easier when it’s a dialog or you’re presenting a show/tournament. When the focus is entirely on me I cringe. Yet, in situations that call for it I can easily take the lead and start giving orders. Well done Fourtimefelon and kudos for bravery and for being the first. Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! Ok, I think I let enough of my nerd show for one night. Now I feel the need to spark up a bowl and listen to some Pink Floyd. LOL
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