Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 19, 2015 17:43:29 GMT -5
The first thing I notice standing out is repetition and that is before I got to the second strophe.
The title is “You and I,” and the first two lines end with “you and I.”
You establish “You and I” in the title so you don’t need it in the poem except where you really want to make the statement. That is usually best reserved for the big profound punch at the end. I usually write out the whole poem before I even try to find a title for it. It might be a bit lazy but most often the title ends up being the last few words in the poem unless there is a reason I want those particular words to creep up on or surprise the reader.
The opening is the best place to set the theme and mood but the title plays a part in that too. It’s the first thing most people read.
“You and I
Left to die in this wasteland
I can’t let go”
You start two lines with the word “Like.” Be more assertive in your wording. It paints clearer images. We know you’re not a freight train or that you will live for a thousand years so the word like isn’t needed here. I’ve used it a few times and am trying to think of where it is needed but I can’t come up with a good example right now. If you read the line out loud and it seems to be missing then you should probably use it but most of the time, and this applies to a lot of other words none descriptive words, if it can be said without it then it’s not necessary.
When considering the entirety of a write the order of the lines presented becomes important. You want a captivating opening, a profound ending, and a body of work that connects the two in the best way. Examining each line individually “I have dammed forever you and I” invokes all the aspects of a profound ending. It has the most punch because it sums up all the angst. Your opening is captivating because the reader wants to find out more of why you can’t let go. S5, the final strophe, would fit better just after the opening strophe. It addresses directly why you can’t let go. The rest of the write expands on that and leads well into why or how “I have dammed forever you and I.“
“Dammed if I do Dammed if I don't,” connects best with the end of S5; “I cannot live,” I cannot die.”
It’s a good write as it is but it’s the little things I mention that can put a polish on a write that greatly enhances the appeal to the reader.
BTW, wicked picture.
Thanks for sharing.
The title is “You and I,” and the first two lines end with “you and I.”
You establish “You and I” in the title so you don’t need it in the poem except where you really want to make the statement. That is usually best reserved for the big profound punch at the end. I usually write out the whole poem before I even try to find a title for it. It might be a bit lazy but most often the title ends up being the last few words in the poem unless there is a reason I want those particular words to creep up on or surprise the reader.
The opening is the best place to set the theme and mood but the title plays a part in that too. It’s the first thing most people read.
“You and I
Left to die in this wasteland
I can’t let go”
You start two lines with the word “Like.” Be more assertive in your wording. It paints clearer images. We know you’re not a freight train or that you will live for a thousand years so the word like isn’t needed here. I’ve used it a few times and am trying to think of where it is needed but I can’t come up with a good example right now. If you read the line out loud and it seems to be missing then you should probably use it but most of the time, and this applies to a lot of other words none descriptive words, if it can be said without it then it’s not necessary.
When considering the entirety of a write the order of the lines presented becomes important. You want a captivating opening, a profound ending, and a body of work that connects the two in the best way. Examining each line individually “I have dammed forever you and I” invokes all the aspects of a profound ending. It has the most punch because it sums up all the angst. Your opening is captivating because the reader wants to find out more of why you can’t let go. S5, the final strophe, would fit better just after the opening strophe. It addresses directly why you can’t let go. The rest of the write expands on that and leads well into why or how “I have dammed forever you and I.“
“Dammed if I do Dammed if I don't,” connects best with the end of S5; “I cannot live,” I cannot die.”
It’s a good write as it is but it’s the little things I mention that can put a polish on a write that greatly enhances the appeal to the reader.
BTW, wicked picture.
Thanks for sharing.