jmcc16
Dark Initiate
Posts: 42
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Post by jmcc16 on Feb 18, 2015 21:03:49 GMT -5
13 hours left... Thanked my wife for a nice dinner. Held her just a few seconds longer than I should. She didn't notice. Told her I was tired and was going to turn in early. I'm sitting in the darkness writing to you. No metaphors. I don't have time to be poetic. 13 hours - no 12 hours and 53 minutes to be exact. Thats how much time I have left. My teenage son just got home- I hear him outside my door playing with his new dog- And I'm typing to you and- The results. That's what I am waiting on. The results of how long I have left to live. I find out tomorrow at 9:00 am. Cancer. Thats my secret. No one knows yet but you and me. And I'm okay with that. I don't have to act a certain way around you do I? I can just tell it like it is. We're all going to die one day right? It's really not much of a secret but- Okay the truth is - I'm afraid. I'm sitting here in the dark and I'm afraid. There... that's the real secret. So since I'm telling all- Here's one more- I have a secret place I go to in my mind when I'm afraid. It's a cave on a snowy mountain - I pack myself in with lot's of cold snow until I am super tight and I can't move and then a miracle happens and I get warm. The cold keeps me warm. Never told anyone that... Glad you're the first. Goodnight.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 18, 2015 23:08:49 GMT -5
And this just after you wrote “A scream in a vacuum.” Damn!!!
She is your best friend. You have to tell her now. Share your fears with her. I suspect that as soon as you logged out you did just that but if not then do it now. I’m reminded of the words of a Florence and the machine song – No Light, No Light. “Cause it's so easy, To say it to a crowd but it's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud”
Like raindrops. Our lives are too short. Say it. Share it. She deserves it. I know your trying to be strong for her but your denying her the sharing of a big part of you. She is your today.
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jmcc16
Dark Initiate
Posts: 42
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Post by jmcc16 on Feb 19, 2015 0:02:06 GMT -5
I told her. Now the kids. Thank you.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 19, 2015 2:08:11 GMT -5
*Bro hugs* "It's a cave on a snowy mountain - I pack myself in with lot's of cold snow until I am super tight and I can't move and then a miracle happens and I get warm. The cold keeps me warm." -
I know that place. I go there often these days. When I first came here I wrote a lot about a cold place. But where I go is crystalline, penetrating, stabbing… I suppose I fear loneliness more than death. I’d never thought of it like that… until now. Thank you,
xx
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 21, 2015 23:40:19 GMT -5
This evoked a mental image for me of someone sitting in front of a camera doing one of those confessional shots on a reality show. Only this was far more real than any of those programs. Short, concise statements of innocuous everyday events became visceral epitaphs of finality when taken in context with the rest of the piece. I've had experience with that feeling, I've kept deadly secrets, and LF is so right: It's so much easier to tell the faceless. But the fear and anxiety of confessing to the important ones... It's like choking during the big game. Everything slows down, you see EVERYTHING, but you can't do anything. You see it perfectly though. "...and then a miracle happens and I get warm. The cold keeps me warm." I'm not the one to proofread or critique style, and perhaps my own experience with this sort of sensation biases me, but no matter what might be missing from this in technical terms was overwhelmed by the strength with which it struck me. You went hard on this one. And I'm so glad you shared it.
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Post by nibbana on Feb 22, 2015 1:54:31 GMT -5
Is very hard to crit such a blatantly personal piece. I feel for you and your family. I wish you light and love and time - mostly time.
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