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Post by gambler on Feb 10, 2015 19:08:23 GMT -5
_How could I like her,
_________________ if I love you.
___ How could I fall over,
___________________ when I am toppled through.
_Why, oh why,
_________________ did you ever look at I?
___ Scarred and dreaming,
___________________ stolen under moonsky.
_Heart swole at brightest flirts,
_________________ thought, want.
___ I swore not to fall
___________________ repeatedly for your flaunts.
_Easily slain by smile,
_________________ pain, love.
___ You started a fire,
___________________ then left me,
_________________________________ alone.
_So sorry
_________________ if you can't understand.
___ I'm deeply in love
___________________ without.. plan.
_Kinda a lie
_________________ when cried out shy.
___ Truly the truth
___________________ eye fear your love.
_Times I tried
_________________ everything not to look.
___ Heeled pinky,
___________________ all that it took.
_So what
_________________ if other girls stand and form line
___ Five number twos
___________________ don't make my
_________________________________ missing one.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 13, 2015 3:26:50 GMT -5
I realize you have been here for some time now, I’ve listened to your posts in the “What are you currently listening 2?” thread, but I want to welcome you to Dark Star. I think this is your first poetry post. I’ve read this a few times and honestly I’m not sure what to say or even how I feel about it. It is definitely a unique format, one I’ve never seen before anyway, but there are some things I like about this. Some nice/clever play on words for sure. I’ll have to come back a few times, mull it over, and see what develops within my conciseness. First impression; I like the overall sentiment and find your word choices intriguing. I can’t agree with your opening lines but I see why you used them. I’m not sure the format works but that may simply be because I’ve never seen anything like it before. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by gambler on Feb 13, 2015 6:23:47 GMT -5
Thanks. I understand it probably wasn't the objectively best poem, but I worked on it a lot and most of the choices were thought out. The formatting is along with its meter. My teacher (metaphysically at least) is Christina Rossetti. Something I saw her doing.
Any rate, it isn't going to hurt my feelings if ya'll open this thing up and give me constructive criticism. I posted it so that you would. I read this forum every now and then for a little while. I only write poetry when I am inspired. I'm over this girl now I think, so I thought to post this here and see what you thought.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 13, 2015 17:21:41 GMT -5
I wasn’t too worried about hurting your feelings though I could tell you put a lot of thought and feeling into this. It’s just that I think I’ve gotten so old that I’m starting to resist new things like this format too much and want to mull it over to see what I really think of it. To be honest it reminds me of the old computer talking on the original StarTrek; long pauses, “working…buzzzzzzzzz… talke talke….Buzzzzz.” It’s probably just me though. LOL I think I’ll copy and paste it, then remove the lines to get an undistracted view. I do like a lot about this. You’ve got some cleverly thought provoking word choices here. I particularly like; “eye fear your love.” The replacement of “I” with “eye” is cleverly meaningful. I don’t agree with; “How could I like her,
if I love you.”But I see how it sets up the theme. This reminds me of a particularly bad argument I got into with Pam once. I never gave her cause to be jealous of anything but a woman walked by wearing particularly short shorts that where a shiny royal red color while we were standing in line together at the amusement park and I guess my eyes lingered longer than they should have. You’d of thought I hit on her or something. LOL
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Post by gambler on Feb 13, 2015 17:59:14 GMT -5
For what it is worth, the original version has spaces, but darkstar nukes any repeated spaces so I used _ instead. :/ In darkstar's defense, facebook superhates any poem I make as well, so the problem is not unique here. I have been a forum mod on a different big forum, so I know the space reducer thing is used there as well. Not saying I ness think it should be changed here or whatever, but the natural format of this poem is with spaces instead of _.
Also, I may have messed up some punctuation from the original version, which has ummm been destroyed. So the version here was typed from memory.
I really think the end is the weakest part. I am kinda less concerned about that, as it could be more integrated with some more refinements. I am more interested in some feedback on stuff like... 'did you ever look at I?' which was changed over time from 'why did i ever look at you?' I changed the order for the cacophony of repeated you, but it is very unnatural to say.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 13, 2015 18:53:41 GMT -5
“I changed the order for the cacophony of repeated you, but it is very unnatural to say.”When I first started writing here it was often to Pam and my use of the word “you” was taxing to the reader’s appeal. Leash pointed it out in such a nice way but after she said it I couldn’t help but see it myself. I think that may have been the first real turning point in my own quality of writing. I realized that I had never really taken the readers point of view into account and was always writing to someone. Soon after that I read some advice about using imagery and word choices. Then my poetry took another leap forward. Part of the problem with posting at web sites is the HTML format but you mentioned that you already know that. LOL Partly because of that I have adopted a format of no punctuation, short lines, and many line breaks to force tempo and rhythm. For longer poems I still tend to resort to a more traditional poetic format with punctuation. I’ve tried a mix of the two but found it’s best to use it properly or not at all. “I am more interested in some feedback on stuff like... 'did you ever look at I?' which was changed over time from 'why did i ever look at you?'” – I’ll take a look at this aspect when I get more time but I’m not sure I’m the best sounding board for this. I can get a bit odd with this kind of wording too. It often appeals to me where it really doesn’t to a wider audience.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 14, 2015 19:07:43 GMT -5
I don’t see a lot I want to change about the wording actually. The line you mention; S1, L6 – “did you ever look at I?” would read easier if you change “I” to “me”. This line and a few others have a forced rhyming feel. I think you should swap the placement of S1, L7 and S1, L8 too. S1, L8 coming after S1, L6 would connect stolen with look. I like dreaming being more closely related to "brightest flirts" too. S2, L6; “when cried out shy”. Shy feels very forced to rhyme with lie. S2, L11 and L12 don’t seem necessary and again feel as if there only to rhyme with “look” in the previous line. I like to use as few words as possible and avoid small words but I think you should add an “a” in S2, L14; “if other girls stand and form a line.” and a period. I know you mentioned that you think the ending feels week but I like it myself. It doesn’t have the abrupt punch I proffer for an ending but it is thought provoking and “missing one.” is a good ending in relation to the theme, IMO. Remember that we are often our own worst critics. The lines are obviously my biggest complaint. I’m tempted to suggest removing them and perhaps a center alignment but I’m curious what others think of this format.
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Post by twistedangel on Feb 16, 2015 12:06:35 GMT -5
L1 to L5 cant say i liked much, but it got a lot better after that.."easily slain by smile,..." really liked that
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 21, 2015 12:21:26 GMT -5
I see Forsaken is still on his game. I find it difficult to constructively critique, I typically can just say whether I liked something or not, and since LF already put this one on his dissecting table I'll just say kudos for posting something to try and improve it. Everyone can relate to this sentiment at some point in their life. And 'easily slain by smile,...' also stuck out to me. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 21, 2015 17:45:00 GMT -5
I'm gonna give you props because 1: The format, regardless of why you've used it, is visually jarring and I think it's a good draw in. 2: I normally am not a fan of simplistic rhyme schemes, but yours works here. 3: As LF and Angel pointed out already, you have a few turns of phrase that are unique and add depth to the piece. I am quite fond of the amalgamation of "moonsky".
Now for the nits. You might try this without the first 4 lines. I don't think "swole" is a word. S2 L14 should probably be "if others stand and form lines".
Overall, I enjoyed this a lot. Welcome to DS, Gambler.
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Post by gambler on Feb 22, 2015 8:24:15 GMT -5
Re: the format, it is a function of the medium, which is a piece of notebook paper... so I'm clearly keeping that for the IRL version As far as the 'topic'... I'm pretty brooding, but the poetry I always liked was philosophy stuff like Tao Te Ching or Victorian Prose and a little bit of rap. This is obv more of the 2nd. As long as the feelings are honest I'm inspired. Thx all 4 feedbacks, case closed imo
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