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Post by pinkie on Feb 4, 2015 20:39:46 GMT -5
finally
sleep
release
so serene
why is my heart pulsating harder than a race horse on crack
im asleep
let me dream
tick tock the hand on the clock stops tock tick niaga emit strats or time starts again
i dont know when will this end
slumber, oh sweet slumber my body lays at rest so well
so why do i feel im trapped in a hell
time starts again kcot kcit tick tock what the f*ck time is irrelevant nothing matters cognizant to any and every surrounding
why are you here you're supposed to be there stay out of my nightmare this is my space of terror and you invade this too i cant escape anything not even you
they say you can control your dreams its not true when your mind always screams
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Post by Bastet on Feb 17, 2015 0:27:07 GMT -5
finally
sleep
release
so serene
why is my heart pulsating harder than a race horse on crack This line seems quite out of place so close to "release" and "serene". While I can try to appreciate the tension of the two being diametrically opposed to one another, it still isn't effective, imo. What about striking it? I think the line is unnecessary.
im asleep There should be an apostrophe between I and m, plus I should be capitalized.
let me dream
tick tock the hand on the clock stops tock tick niaga emit strats Interesting, to have the mirror images of these two lines. I noticed you do the same with kcot kcit further down. or time starts again
i dont know when will this end
slumber, oh sweet slumber my body lays at rest so well
so why do i feel im trapped in a hell
time starts again kcot kcit tick tock what the f*ck time is irrelevant nothing matters cognizant to any and every surrounding
why are you here you're supposed to be there stay out of my nightmare this is my space of terror and you invade this too i cant escape anything not even you
they say you can control your dreams Perhaps "Supposedly you can control your dreams", or "Allegedly, dreams can be controlled" would be more poetic. its not true when your mind always screams
Welcome to Dark Star, Pinkie. This was a bit stream of consciousness and as such I enjoyed it. I do suggest going back through and looking at where you can wrangle your words around a little bit, for polish and effect. I look forward to reading you again.
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