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Post by pinkie on Feb 4, 2015 9:04:43 GMT -5
Break
let me break break let me break
away
fake
i will fake i will fake
until i break
crashing into a million little pieces
watching... as i fall
.....the world fading behind me
flashes of jaded memories
i lifetime left in the blink of an eye
the back of my mind... screams!!! God damnit get up and try!
and i
continue
to fall
i am.... catatonic this numb bliss hollow emptiness
i could...
if i wanted
catch a grasp of something, anything to hold onto
but i refuse
its so much more rather, profuse sitting on the floor contemplating on that invisible noose
simply called thoughts
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 7, 2015 0:57:48 GMT -5
I love the massage and the wording is good too. It's wordy, meaning there is some unnecessary repetition and the "fake" part detracts from some of its beauty. It feels thrown in for the sake of rhyming. If you remove "simply" from the last line it sounds better when read out loud. Remove the second "break"(line 3) and let the second "let me break" associate itself more closely with "away". "its so much more rather, profuse"Feels out of place and for the sake of rhyming with noose. It would fit better up farther connected with; "this numb bliss hollow emptiness"It would add to the contradictive feeling too. It's got it all actually; a captivating opening, a profound ending, and a connecting body. A little pairing down would add a nice polish to this. From one who thinks too much to another Thanks for sharing
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jmcc16
Dark Initiate
Posts: 42
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Post by jmcc16 on Feb 18, 2015 21:29:57 GMT -5
This part really hit me... Felt like it came from that dark place of melancholy, regret and struggle. It feels real.
.....the world fading behind me.
flashes of jaded memories
i lifetime left in the blink of an eye
the back of my mind... screams!!! God damnit get up and try!
and i
continue
to fall
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Post by nibbana on Feb 22, 2015 1:51:29 GMT -5
Break
let me break break let me break
away
fake I think if
i will fake you take i will fake these parts
until i away break it would be better
crashing into a million little pieces
watching... as i fall
.....the world fading behind me
flashes of jaded memories
i lifetime left in the blink of an eye
the back of my mind... screams!!! God damnit get up and try!
and i
continue
to fall
i am.... catatonic this numb bliss hollow emptiness
i could...
if i wanted
catch a grasp of something, anything to hold onto
but i refuse
its so much more rather, profuse sitting on the floor contemplating on that invisible noose This line is a better ending, to me.
simply called thoughts Don't think you need this one.
Hi Pinkie. Makes me want to say Pinkie Pie, lol. Nice piece of poetry, I think maybe we have all felt something like this at some point in our lives.
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