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3 am
Feb 4, 2015 5:06:02 GMT -5
Post by pinkie on Feb 4, 2015 5:06:02 GMT -5
We love,we lose, we cry we love again what is this curse that we live in its 3 am and im thinking of you once more, my friend
3:05 these feelings wont go away 3:06 and part of me wants to stay by 3:30 maybe itll fade but when i wake...it'll be a new day conflicted...like an addiction, baby, did i mention... theres a new created tension A love thats jaded, im closing the door the spark that was between us.. i dont feel it anymore
the world is not around because of you 3:11 am im starting to see how much this is true by 4 am baby, maybe ill be feeling blue but baby, maybe im starting to feel something new you create a storm inside my mind and i realize, when i stop to breathe i start to feel just fine
3:15 am shufling the cards of your game patiently i wait, swiftly i play my ace i think i have the winning hand and you throw it back in my place for a moment i fell from grace completly distracted by your face my breath slowly loses its pace
ive been paralyzed by merley keeping you satisfied
3:20 am winters stole my summers thrill its 3:30 and im being haunted by your lingering chill maybe i was just a stone in your ocean maybe we should sever the connection before more commotion 3:30 am and im still where i was before you and i just cant say goodbye everytime we do, its but another lie but baby, maybe....im still going to try
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Feb 4, 2015 6:38:12 GMT -5
This actually gave me goose bumps. Great rhyme, great story, great execution. I'm impressed.
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3 am
Feb 4, 2015 8:30:58 GMT -5
Post by pinkie on Feb 4, 2015 8:30:58 GMT -5
i used to write a lot...anymore ive gone back to it...i just sit and write and let whatever comes out...every art form is in some way therapy...poetry, words, lyrics, emotions poured into ink or a screen, release...imperfect perfections, tragic beauty ok still not slept thank you for your kind words
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3 am
Feb 21, 2015 18:49:30 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Feb 21, 2015 18:49:30 GMT -5
We love,we lose, we cry we love again what is this curse that we live in In my opinion these first three lines are unnecessary. its 3 am and im thinking of you once more, my friend This is where the piece began for me. There should be an apostrophe in "its". "am" needs capitalized and periods between the letters since it is an abbreviation for Ante Meridiem. "im" needs to be capitalized and an apostrophe. "my friend" could probably be pared out.
3:05 these feelings wont go away 3:06 and part of me wants to stay by 3:30 maybe itll fade "itll" needs an apostrophe. but when i wake...it'll be a new day "i" should be capitalized. Are the ellipses necessary? A comma would work better, in my opinion. conflicted...like an addiction, Again, unnecessary use of ellipses. I kind of get you'd like to draw the thought out, but the effect isn't really working. baby, did i mention... theres a new created tension A love thats jaded, im closing the door the spark that was between us.. i dont feel it anymore
the world is not around because of you 3:11 am im starting to see how much this is true by 4 am baby, maybe ill be feeling blue but baby, maybe im starting to feel something new you create a storm inside my mind and i realize, when i stop to breathe i start to feel just fine
3:15 am shufling the cards of your game patiently i wait, swiftly i play my ace i think i have the winning hand and you throw it back in my place for a moment i fell from grace completly distracted by your face my breath slowly loses its pace
ive been paralyzed by merley keeping you satisfied
3:20 am winters stole my summers thrill its 3:30 and im being haunted by your lingering chill maybe i was just a stone in your ocean maybe we should sever the connection before more commotion 3:30 am and im still where i was before you and i just cant say goodbye everytime we do, its but another lie but baby, maybe....im still going to try
I stopped the line by line because it was going to be tediously repetitive. You need to watch your spelling and punctuation. If you wrote this on the spot, as you were feeling it, I do understand, just remember to go back and clean it up. I don't mind the length overall, but I will tell you cleaning it up to be slightly more succinct would make this a stronger piece of writing without losing the conversational tone you've set.
This is the second piece I've read by you, and I do think you already have a style in place. I like it. With a little work, you could easily emerge as a force to be reckoned with.
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