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Post by Aish on Feb 3, 2015 11:14:26 GMT -5
V.2
Of all the ways you could strike poking tiny holes with fork tines or straight pins,
you thrust with your tongue haphazardly scoring braille from the inside.
Tail poised, decoy I do not expect the incursion; lightning quick new motifs emerge across my being.
Light saunters in, the darkness we've buried now leaking through my back to soak the bed.
No one knows who slept here or stared awake at the stalactites. Stars orbit our knotted fingers but no matter how many times we wipe away the sky
it cannot disarm us.
We are bared bones scraping across washboard sheets.
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V.1 Of all the ways you could strike, poking tiny holes with fork tines or straight pins, or scoring braille haphazardly from the inside,
you thrust with your tongue. Tail poised, decoy I do not expect the incursion; lightning quick new motifs emerge across my being.
Light saunters in, the darkness we've hastily buried now leaking through my back to soak the bed.
No one knows who slept here or stared awake at the stalactites. Stars orbit around our knotted fingers and dull moments define shapelessness, but no matter how many times we wipe away the sky it cannot disarm us-
we are merely bared bones scraping across washboard sheets.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 5, 2015 0:45:19 GMT -5
I find these lines have unusually heavy impact on my mind ; “Tail poised, decoy I do not expect the incursion; lightning quick new motifs emerge across my being.”
“No one knows who slept here or stared awake at the stalactites. “I want to break these two lines up for consistency; “Stars orbit around our knotted fingers and dull moments define shapelessness, but no matter how many times we wipe away the sky it cannot disarm us-“ It gives the last line a singular quality that leaves a greater impression too. The ending has an old habit feeling to it but I don’t see the relation or the profound significance to the scorpion or its attack motif. It feels as though it should be at the beginning of S4. The hyphen denotes a close relationship to the last line in S4 but that line can stand on its own. This is obviously packed with a multiplicity of meanings. Not all of them are clear to the casual reader but I suspect that is by intentional design. Exceptional imagery but there was a time I studied entomology and the scorpion is damned impressive. The stuff horror movies are made of. I’ve been scorpion stung. It was not a pleasant experience. Oddly, it didn’t hurt but it made me really nauseous and tired. It happened while sleeping on the ground in a desert and I didn’t even know what was wrong till I got home and took a shower. I found huge bumps on my shoulder. It’s the only time I have ever fallen asleep while driving. Fortunately I wasn’t alone or it could have gone really badly.
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Post by gambler on Feb 11, 2015 19:55:05 GMT -5
I think the ambiguity succeeds, combined with the meter and form aid the message... pain, fog, disconnectedness in the 1st then surprise and sex in the 2nd. calm in 3 and speed in 4. I guess I don't see any reason to break up the 'Stars orbit' or 'but no matter' lines, assuming the meter does speed up.
I really liked this poem when I read it last night, so I wanted to give an opinion. Great job!
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Post by Bastet on Feb 21, 2015 20:24:37 GMT -5
Of all the ways you could strike, I am unsure of your opening line. It feels like there should be something before it, but maybe I am looking for the conflict and not merely your reaction to it.poking tiny holes with fork tines or straight pins, I am on the fence from this line until the end of the strophe. Is this line necessary? Could it be re-worked? Is the "or" in the following line necessary? It seems like a list. You don't need lists, you need viscera.or scoring braille haphazardly I like the image/punch I get from braille scored internally. It's apt for emotional scarring. I wonder if that could be used as some sort of jumping off point or map for a nother piece, or even another strophe?from the inside, What about ending here with a period?you thrust with your tongue. This is a lil naughty, Aishykins. Makes me think of your oral fixation in other pieces. Deftly done though, because tongues as a means of mass destruction is an oft overlooked reality. Consider a line break here.Tail poised, decoy I do not expect the incursion; lightning quick new motifs emerge across my being. Light saunters in, the darkness we've hastily buried Is hastily necessary? now leaking through my back to soak the bed. I like this strophe. Your imagery is painfully exposed.No one knows who slept here or stared awake at the stalactites. Stars orbit around our knotted fingers and dull moments define shapelessness, Consider breaking this up in to two lines. Is "around" necessary? Orbit intuits an elliptical rotation. Maybe define could be replaced with something else. I know you probably meant define in the sense of characterize, but it's messing with me because I want to read it as putting shape to the shapelessness. but no matter how many times we wipe away the sky it cannot disarm us- I think "it cannot disarm us" could be a stand alone line.we are merely bared bones scraping across washboard sheets. Would you consider putting in a rasping element here? Bones dragging across washboard sheets needs a further element of sound IMO. I do love your imagery throughout the piece. It's strong and unusual and I've enjoyed the hell out of it.
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Post by Aish on May 12, 2016 22:31:08 GMT -5
I appreciate the great feedback.
Version 2 is up, but I'll continue working on it. I haven't thought of a way to add to the intro yet, or a secondary rasping sound in the end. I'll also attempt to add something else scorpion-esque to the end, but in my head there was puncture, leaking, light - therefore bare bones is what was left. Maybe the progression doesn't come across so well for others though. Shall chew on it a bit more.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 14, 2016 17:36:59 GMT -5
The first version was better. Don’t let us lead you astray of your intent. If you feel it needs work then work on it but don’t worry about if we can follow you or not. You’re expressing your path. If we can’t follow you it is our problem, not yours. You cleaned it up trying to compromise but, those imperfections are part of this expression of betrayal, a reflection of the broken mess, and now that some time has passed you are trying to introduce some order to it so it is easier for us to follow. Don’t shy from your gentile display of chaos now. This is where it shines.
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Post by Aish on May 14, 2016 21:43:08 GMT -5
Actually, if the reader can't follow it, it IS my problem. The whole point in revision/workshopping is to craft a skillful, cogent piece of writing. I always strive to hone my work.
This piece isn't about betrayal. Brokenness, somewhat. So there again I have a failure.
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Post by twistedangel on May 15, 2016 7:50:31 GMT -5
I read v2 first then v1....S4 V1 for meself is messy with the two long lines, IMO V2 is much tighter, the imagery an the emotions it gives hasn't changed from V1 Liked it a lot, the theme of this as with some of your later writes follows on well, for me is seems to tell of the sad demise of a relationship, thru now open eyes Tho there's more going on than that, the title along with S1,2,3 are or could be seen as very telling
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Scorpion
May 16, 2016 13:00:41 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on May 16, 2016 13:00:41 GMT -5
One thing I've always struggled with when writing is many times I will start with a picture in my head and it's really difficult to describe that picture with any sense of satisfaction because it's not just a picture. There's always a very heavy emotion or group of emotions tied to it. A lot of my personality comes through, and I struggle with the conversational tone most of my work seems to carry. I think lots of pieces come across as autobiographical even though they aren't. Even the ones that are, there's no way for the reader to know what's real and what's not. It's all kind of twisted up and spit out the Aish blender.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 17, 2016 12:52:13 GMT -5
Aish - "This piece isn't about betrayal. Brokenness, somewhat. So there again I have a failure."It's not? Everyone has heard the story of the Scorpion and the frog not to mention it being the greatest assassin nature ever produced. It may not have been your conscious intention but the title and the opening line convince me that betrayal IS a part of this. I find unintended meanings in my writings all the time. The Freudian twist is that they usually apply very well. "Actually, if the reader can't follow it, it IS my problem. The whole point in revision/workshopping is to craft a skillful, cogent piece of writing. I always strive to hone my work." - That is your prerogative. I didn't forget that is what we do here I just wonder if that is the direction you should take with this. Some pieces have that personal element that while it may not be easily understood it is a quality appreciated. BTW, this - your failure - makes my crap look pretty crappy. LOL "One thing I've always struggled with when writing is many times I will start with a picture in my head and it's really difficult to describe that picture with any sense of satisfaction because it's not just a picture. There's always a very heavy emotion or group of emotions tied to it. A lot of my personality comes through, and I struggle with the conversational tone most of my work seems to carry. I think lots of pieces come across as autobiographical even though they aren't. Even the ones that are, there's no way for the reader to know what's real and what's not. It's all kind of twisted up and spit out the Aish blender." - And we appreciate the beauty of the process and what it produces. I struggle constantly with this. You know I have trouble with the conversational aspect. Creative writing was not my favorite class. I have a habit of being thorough with my description when I want to be creative with it. So, I usually start with the emotion and try to develop a picture from it that can be described poetically. You have a knack with your word choices I envy. If they don't quite convey the emotion you intended they strike a meaningful cord in the reader regardless. Did I mention that I really do like this one.
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Post by Aish on May 18, 2016 12:09:35 GMT -5
If the reader sees betrayal, then there's betrayal.
This isn't a personal piece, hence my comments about conversational tone, etc. It's something I'm looking at trying to change because do many of my pieces come out sounding as if I wrote them to someone or about a real someone and that just isn't always the case.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 19, 2016 14:18:19 GMT -5
Yah, I know the feeling. It seems I need that focus or something. Everything is written to someone. When I'm trying to write on a broad scope idea, a blanketing aspect, or anything that isn't intended to be about any one person I try to relate it to God, nature, Gaia or some other God or Goddess that fits. We live in the material realm. Trying to express the immaterial with any meaning is… well… like this. Feelings and emotions are very real to us yet immaterial as well. They can be expressed through languages(body, soul, and speak) but can't be directly seen through our eyes. Trying to capture them with words is like trying to take a handful of air. It can be done but having done it what we see is an empty fist. Trying to describe what is held within that fist is where I find I can't do it without some material focus to relate to.
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Post by twistedangel on May 21, 2016 15:04:43 GMT -5
Me own view on this is kinda simple...the writer writes, hoping readers will see into its meaning the same way the writer does. However once posted the poem will take on wotever the reader sees into it...almost like the writer no longer really owns the piece. This is not a failing, is just the wonderful variety of perception . The fact the reader has no idea wots real or not actually IMO shows a real talent on the writer....also ultimately none of the readers business, it really shows a intuitive mind, to be able to put youself into a situation an write about it in such clarity....is it real, is it not, is it all illusion ? Some call that magic Anyways...is any writer really happy with the end result lol probly not
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Post by LonelyForsaken on May 21, 2016 16:12:13 GMT -5
IDK, my writing and most aspects of it have evolved over the years. There are I think always those pieces we wish to be understood in a particular way but I have a few here that are sort of the antithesis of that too. They are in general capricious at best. Probably born from this very frustration now that I think about it. When I started writing being closely understood was important but many of my more recent posts have been with a "I wonder what they will make of this one" kind of thought. Even my source and process of creation has evolved. Surrender had so much unconscious intent in it that I only recognized half of what it all meant to me at the time of posting. It has become fun to see what others make out of it when it is something different. And, yes, I was quite happy with that particular write but I wasn't trying to be understood either. Or, maybe I've just gotten used to being misunderstood. LOL
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