Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 0:57:29 GMT -5
It's been a really long time since I've been on here, and it's been pretty long since I wrote anything, so I'm rusty. Please bare with me.
Ripped into pieces. The curse of being broken. An angel's kiss of melancholy, again and again.
Drowning in shallow water, cold lips fail to resuscitate. A glass image shattered. Shards of truth pierce deep.
A blue moon fills the sky. This sick mind breaks. Crimson leaks to the ground as the deep blue reflects. A never ending cycle.
Fotos y requerdos Corazon espinado My heart; dark, forsaken, lonely, lost and… inflicted.
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Pained
Feb 2, 2015 4:36:37 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 2, 2015 4:36:37 GMT -5
Hay Mastershadow!!!! Good to see you again. I'll come back to this when I'm not so tired and have more time but here are a few small comments and suggestions; I like your opening. It reminds me of something I wrote recently about being torn in twain again and again, also a reference to being broken. Well done. S2, L4 - "Shards of truth pierced deep." Remove the d off the end of pierced. It doesn’t change the tense and sounds better when read out loud. S2 and S3 are good imagery but I think they could be more vivid and invoke more feeling. I want to think on it and work some ideas but each line should flow into each other more smoothly. I'm not sure why you switched to Spanish unless it is a reference to those two songs and the inspiration for this write. Your explanation in parenthesis is distracting and detracts from the beauty of any write. Let the reader look it up if they don't know what it means. Or add a note to the end after your signature. BTW, "Corazon Espinado" is a favorite Santana song. Like " Primavera," I find something about the Latin beat and language easier to dance to. The ending has a good punch to it but the wording of the last line is a bit wonky. It should be short and sweet. Eg; " Dark. Forsaken. Lonely, and lost, Inflicting my heart..." All things, or at least the previous mentioned things, are implied. Hmmmm? I just realized that changes the tense. Maybe; " My heart; dark, forsaken, lonely, lost and… inflicted." It's darkly sad. Thanks for sharing and good to have you back
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Pained
Feb 2, 2015 9:50:15 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Feb 2, 2015 9:50:15 GMT -5
hiya mastershadow ..dont think ive read any thing of yours before..anyways i will be checking it out i LOVED this
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Pained
Feb 2, 2015 16:21:31 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 2, 2015 16:21:31 GMT -5
Hmmm, seems I forgot to mention how much I like this and I can't seem to remember the like button unless I can't think of anything else to say. BTW, when I say a lot about a write it's because I like it a lot. I know I said I wanted to make the lines in S2 and S3 flow together better and I had some ideas but I think I should leave well enough alone. What I came up with changes it too much and this is good. I started making it too much my own. I love some of those lines too much; "cold lips fail to resuscitate.", "A blue moon fills the sky." Coupled with leaking crimson on the ground started me writing my own version with the blue moon reflected in the crimson pool. I then started trying to create the repetition of a reflection in a reflection in a reflection to replace the never ending cycle line. Then I realized, I want to make this my own. LOL You might want to change "Drowning" in S2, L1 to "Drowned" in keeping to the past tense.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Pained
Feb 3, 2015 1:41:47 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2015 1:41:47 GMT -5
Forsaken, I always love your comments, and suggestions on my poetry. I like what you suggested lines to be changed. Saying "drowning" has it's own meaning. I like your ideas. The blue reflected in the crimson pool makes sense with the meaning. I might change that. Thanks for your input!
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Pained
Feb 3, 2015 17:26:33 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 3, 2015 17:26:33 GMT -5
You’re welcome I could kind of see the Drowning aspect you mentioned. That’s why I left it alone in my first reply but decided to mention it in my second reply just in case and for consistency. I always enjoy your work. Good luck with the reflection within a reflection write. I wasn’t very successful with my attempt. LOL That is a difficult image. I see your 21st B-day is coming up in three months. In case you’re not around here on that day I want to wish you a very special one. I’m generally not big on B-days but that is a special one. I had a blast on mine. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. LOL
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BloodTrails
Dark Initiate
-- Stuck on grins --
Posts: 50
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Pained
Feb 5, 2015 11:56:02 GMT -5
Post by BloodTrails on Feb 5, 2015 11:56:02 GMT -5
Trapped between the blues, while being a bit impossible in logic thinking, this was greatly put in the crazy, broken mind state you imply, while squeezing a blood moon down. Cool write
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Pained
Feb 6, 2015 21:16:15 GMT -5
Post by krake on Feb 6, 2015 21:16:15 GMT -5
I really like the first stanza. I find it to be a very unique stab at recurring depression/anxiety etc. Great use of words.
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Pained
Aug 2, 2015 8:59:24 GMT -5
Post by lewis82 on Aug 2, 2015 8:59:24 GMT -5
Hey this is great! And yeah, the only way to break that rustiness is to start typing/writing anyway. It will start coming to you again.
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