|
Post by twistedangel on Jan 27, 2015 13:03:22 GMT -5
Whispered lies From soft pillow lips Seduced into a coma Yet I wish not to wake This fantasy Escaping a realty Encased wholly I need not think
Simply Rest In Peace
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 28, 2015 17:02:18 GMT -5
Wrong thread and wrong way to reply. More coming soon.
|
|
|
Post by twistedangel on Jan 28, 2015 18:38:16 GMT -5
Ravensquawk..i guess you just read an dont READ..this is a poem i wrote not just somthing i knocked up..FYI i knocked up stuff cos is quiet here is all an also why dont you also read an comment on other members poems either..pointing a finger at me..BTW you is totally entitled not to like it BUT.. as for you reply to this..an probly the reason i get banned a lot from other places but heyho is wot i feel YOU TWAT...(the original wos 'f*ck off' but i didnt wanna appear to harsh) have a nice day now
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 28, 2015 21:14:43 GMT -5
Ravenwing - What we ask for is constructive criticism and this will remain a safe place. Safe from people like you. You really need to work on your social skills, if you want to make friends that is. We don't tolerate attacks and every reply from you, whether intended or not, has been an attack in some way. You have this grating way of speaking to others as if you are their superior. As if your opinion is the only one that can possible be the correct one. You also say nothing if it isn't directly related to your displeasure. You started out trying to skirt the edge of disrespect but you have now crossed it IMO.
"Yeah, I probably shouldn't participate anymore at this forum, if you few remaining members that participate here are fine with everything the way that it is: needing to be resurrected by quality posts of those that care for this community to, once again, become an active community." - And you think that you're participation as it has been will help? I'm curious what exactly you consider "quality posts." You'll find no sycophants here.
Goodbye!
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 28, 2015 22:23:42 GMT -5
Now, back to what we are really about. I love this. It's such a mellow reference to the death or loss of self aspect of sweet surrender. I do like your short writes. They're more esoteric, allowing the reader to fill in more personally, but this one seems as if you pushed a little too hard for that aspect. You should break the first strophe into two. There are clearly two thoughts; coma, and fantasy, so split them up so it doesn’t feel like a run on sentence. A few nitpicks; Whispered lies From soft pillow lips (nice opening) Seduced into a coma (you don't need the "a" - say it out loud both ways.) Yet I wish not to wake ("Yet" feels wonky when said out loud. I want to say something like; "From which I wish not to wake" or simply, "I wish not to wake".) Break up the strophe and the two separate thoughts here. To connect or relate this next strophe more closely to the previous one I'd start with the line that best relates to the last line of the last strophe; "Escaping a realty". Escaping a realty (You don't need "a" again ) This fantasy Encased wholly (wholly is the descriptive word and should be… never mind the long winded version. I want to read this as; "Wholly encased in this fantasy I need not think"you could reverse it and start with, "I need not think" for a more esoteric/thought provoking structure but that line leads into the final strophe best. I Simply Rest In Peace (the ending is fine but following the previous line that started with "I" it reads a bit smoother if started with "I" too.)
|
|
|
Post by Aish on Jan 29, 2015 0:55:47 GMT -5
I'm not sure what has elapsed in my absence, but for now I would like everyone to please stand down.
A belated "Welcome" to Ravenwing.
Any constructive criticism that does not personally attack a member is welcome. LF, I've rarely seen you call anyone an asshole on the boards, so while I'm inclined to think you feel pushed, I'm not happy at all that I'm seeing this kind of exchange.
PM's will be forthcoming.
|
|
|
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 29, 2015 3:30:47 GMT -5
" LF, I've rarely seen you call anyone an asshole on the boards, so while I'm inclined to think you feel pushed, I'm not happy at all that I'm seeing this kind of exchange." - Yah, I don't think I ever have before. It's the well spoken way he prods and pokes. The thinly veiled jabs and attacks at everyone he communicates with every time. I know how to be pompous too but I find it to be deeply insulting and an unforgivable attitude. It makes me want to throw off the gloves because he hides direct personal insults behind his clever wording but his attitude is clear.
However, I talk about keeping this a safe place and then I go and make a personal attack myself. Sigh! It was over the top. Sorry. I'll delete that part.
|
|