LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
|
Post by LSD on Dec 28, 2014 23:58:51 GMT -5
Whispers in the wind, waiting for the call. She goes to her nest and reads fairytales of wonders. she breathes in joy. Locked in a time of silence, away from the noise.
|
|
|
"Alexa"
Dec 29, 2014 5:29:02 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Dec 29, 2014 5:29:02 GMT -5
not sure about the first 2 lines...there not bad or anything but for meself there so vague a reader could put a lot of different emotions/images into them..no bad thing at all, am just undecided as to wot they mean to me the rest tho is exactly how i feel when reading a good book
|
|
|
Post by Bastet on Feb 21, 2015 19:09:27 GMT -5
Whispers in the wind, waiting for the call. What call? This is very ambiguous and while not a lot of detail is needed, a little more detail would help the efficacy of the thought and the piece overall. Also, switching the placement of these two lines would help.She goes to her nest and reads I like the use of "nest". It denotes a place of curated safety.fairytales of wonders. she breathes in joy. Your opening letter should be capitalized. Otherwise, it's a good line.Locked in a time of silence, I'm not sure "locked" is the most effective word to use. It's harsher than the picture you've painted.away from the noise. "the" isn't necessary. I kind of think using something besides "noise" would add a little more depth as well. It's good to see you around again, LSD. This is an alluring shortie piece. I have a few suggestions from a reader's POV. I think this would benefit from drawing the format out and making a few tweaks. Something like:
Going to her nest she folds inward and reads fairytales full of wonders while there are whispers in the wind.
Waiting for news she breathes in joy. Exhales the rest.
Sealed in a time of silence, away from tumult.I hope that doesn't seem like I have taken too many liberties with your work.
|
|
LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
|
"Alexa"
Feb 28, 2015 11:48:40 GMT -5
Post by LSD on Feb 28, 2015 11:48:40 GMT -5
Im always open to a critique! Thanks
|
|