ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Nov 23, 2014 13:54:21 GMT -5
I'm just listening. A composition of beaded notes dive at an angle aimed at my calves. Clear projectiles implode on my skin, slinking down toward my ankles. The rhythm is constant; solid patterns, drumming. Playing.Trickling. A humming opus composed by the grey leaving translucent tones around my feet. I could listen forever. The drenching sound makes me forget. (A cringe-worthy oldie.. )
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2014 16:03:25 GMT -5
You are too good with the wordplay, they all connect so smoothly.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 23, 2014 17:50:38 GMT -5
A very interesting write Well done. I love rain too.
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Post by nibbana on Nov 23, 2014 21:31:09 GMT -5
I think it's beautiful, and the gif adds a cool element.
"Playing. Trickling." could be cut out.
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Post by Aish on Nov 24, 2014 8:49:55 GMT -5
I'm just listening. Is this line necessary? I think it could possibly be an effective title, tied in nicely to the penultimate line.A composition of beaded notes dive at an angle I don't think "at an" is necessary. You could try something more like "beaded notes dive in suicide angles". aimed at my calves. Clear projectiles implode on my skin, slinking down "On my skin" could be pared out, it's pretty much inferred since the notes are already aimed at you then they slide toward your ankles.toward my ankles. The rhythm is constant; solid patterns, drumming. Playing.Trickling. I think you could use a line break after "drumming" and I agree that the next two words could be cut out.A humming opus composed by the grey Would you consider "composed in grey" versus "by"?leaving translucent tones around my feet. I could listen forever. The drenching sound makes me forget. (A cringe-worthy oldie.. ) The essence of this piece is lovely. Rainy days always make me happy.
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Post by Bastet on Nov 26, 2014 4:26:13 GMT -5
I think "just" is unnecessary in your opening line. And then I think Aish has it covered. I do so enjoy your work.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 21, 2015 19:13:53 GMT -5
*BUMP*
Needs more readers.
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Post by fourtimefelon on Feb 22, 2015 18:09:14 GMT -5
I was urged to view this piece, and my interests were piqued. While the others mention loving rainy days and rain in general, I myself have a somewhat irrational fear/anger towards uncontrolled water (Don't ask!). So, while this may be written with a pleasurable sentiment in your mind, I feel like your words succinctly draw my personal feelings up into a pretty little package. "I'm just listening." That's all it takes. The noise heralds the feeling. "Clear projectiles implode", "The rhythm is constant; solid patterns, drumming" I feel like the descriptions of the rain here correlate with a constant, unending assault. I agree about "Playing.Trickling" being unnecessary, but even those words took on a creepy connotation that still worked when I read them. Something malevolent, ostensibly "the grey", is playing on my phobia with its latest work. I envision I am being shelled with artillery composed of all that I dread. And of course "translucent tones" are left around my feet, I'm immobilized by that "drenching sound". It "...makes me forget." everything that is not my fear. "I could listen forever." And I will, because there is nothing else that I can manage to do. I found this very provocative. Even your personal note at the bottom, "cringe-worthy", seemed to match up with how this selection struck me. The title could almost be a derisive snort, something that I cannot obtain because of the rain. I speak most of what I write, and often times (ummm... ALL the time) I take the long, circuitous route. I love how such a brief piece was able to nail down so many expansive emotions, albeit, perhaps, I'm the only who felt it this way. But that's the beauty of pristine poetry. Someone can take the words shared in a particular way and use them to express their own very different feelings. Plus, it was raining outside when I read this. Nicely done, thank you.
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Mar 24, 2015 17:42:21 GMT -5
Thanks, so much for your honest crit, Aish & Bastet. Sorry for the absence.. started a new job which doesn't afford me much time. Miss this place, though ;)Gonna chew on this for a while; see what I can do to make it better. Lonely forsaken, jaguarprince, thanks for the kind words. And Fourtimefelon, I appreciate your in-depth comment, glad to know you got something from it.. Apologies if it was unpleasant
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Post by Mikepoet on Dec 21, 2015 17:26:24 GMT -5
I am sitting on the edge of a carport stealing a neighbors signal and its raining. I feel the rain on my legs and enjoyed the poem.
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 22, 2015 14:15:31 GMT -5
I like it, I could drown in it. Well done.
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