So, I exercise my writing as often as I can. I challenge myself to a poem each day for a month. I did it back in March and I didn't struggle as much as I am now. I am behind and I REFUSE to write haiku. I think it is cheating. But here is number 19. It needs work. I'm struggling with myself because I know poems don't NEED to rhyme but my OCD says other wise. P.S. Hewwo! I am new. Nice to meet you all <3 I take criticism well. I promise.
Oh, I enjoy haiku! LOL. A poem a day is such a worthy undertaking. I haven't ever tried it simply because I'm pretty sure I would turn out shite. I'm happy to have you here, Terrah_Ko. We've been pretty slow and I hope that doesn't deter you from coming back (and bringing your friends).I know I like to pretend the past isn't there
Is "I know" necessary? But it still burns like a freshly made scar.
What about paring this down to " burning like a freshly sealed scar"?You and I can never act like strangers
How would you feel about "We can never again be strangers"But I am tired of hearing your crying
Would you consider "but I tire of your crying"?You're still so obvious
Is "still" necessary?I will never forget the scarring pain
Is scar necessary here? You already used it in the strophe above. I think the line is fine without it.Left by your careless flame
A nice little internal rhyme here. What about "scorched by your careless flame"?For the longest time
No matter how hard I tried
I was always missing you
Are these three lines necessary?You struggle to relight that match
Would you consider beginning this line with "Struggling to"Hoping it’s my ashy eyes you catch
Ashy eyes is wonky. I understand the effect you're going for, but it's not working for me. I don't think this line or the following three are necessary.But my first love has ended this way
Since you walked away with the flame
I refuse have a love like a child
With newly discovered fire
IMO, the strophe picks back up here.Careless
With your never changing ways
Again, is this line necessary? Or maybe it is, but you could do something that undulates like a flame. Something like "in your tilting compulsions".You smiled so menacingly…
Smiled should probably be "smile".Though you left my world for dark
Not sure this line needs to be here.Your eyes were so sad with us apart
"Were" should be removed.Peering through from behind the mask
"through" should be removed. I know I have been there before
This is too plain, possibly unnecessary. We already know you've been in this territory before because of all the information prior to this line.I can’t be the one holding the torch
Would you consider something more like "I cannot be the lone torch bearer"? When it will always take two
Is this line necessary?I remembered of course
Maybe condense the sentiments in these next four lines into one line.How much I was hating you
For letting me go
And I was missing you terribly
But I need to be free
The piece picks back up for me here.With your smoke, it’s too hard to breathe.
This is a great ending line.