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Post by Bastet on Nov 13, 2014 14:12:26 GMT -5
Your words seek to touch me,
Pretty phrases dropping from your lips like the stuff of teenage fantasy.
Your hands reach out gently, moving the hair from my cheek.
You are truly a one man orchestra.
It's too bad I'm so out of tune. Sharp notes are all I produce, because with every note you try to blow through me
I remember how it felt; the wind knocked of me, painfully burning lungs corroding like cemetery rust on an iron gate.
I still want to see that little bitch burn.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 13, 2014 23:09:09 GMT -5
Funny how trust at this level, when broken, feels like a huge chunk has been ripped away. But the worst part may be that I feel I was so wrong about something that was so right. *Hugs*
Two suggestions come to mind; I stumbled at S6, L2; “the wind knocked of me,” I think stating it more simply as “the wind knocked” has a deeper impact and cleaner rhythm.
The ending seems a departure from the rest of the poem. I was digging the transition from him to you as a played instrument but that thought, while justified, comes from nowhere in this context. Given the title “corroding like cemetery rust on an iron gate.”
Is a great ending.
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Post by twistedangel on Nov 15, 2014 3:35:09 GMT -5
have to agree with LF about the ending, IMO the last line is kinda out of context an dont fit into the rest ovf the write ending with "on an iron gate" leaves a lot more emotion love this just dont agree with it then again reckon we all have used the old "its not you but me" line is like a easy let down...but the truth is..of course its you thats the problem, i just dont like you that much no more
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Nabi
Crimson Soul
Posts: 115
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Post by Nabi on Nov 17, 2014 21:56:19 GMT -5
The obvious pain of a cheating then a trying to redeem himself is a ridiculous fugging thing that happens, yet is entirely stupid in itself. Its such a great read, the emotions flow and its pieced beautifully. Though, i do want to see that little fugger burn now. Your writing talent is amazing. I wouldn't change a single thing of this poem.
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Post by Bastet on Nov 20, 2014 13:18:13 GMT -5
Thanks for the great feedback. I'm on it.
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Feb 1, 2015 19:28:52 GMT -5
This is very good work.
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Post by Bastet on Feb 12, 2015 13:23:03 GMT -5
Thank you, Krake and Ravenwing.
The title is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek cliche. It was constructed to play into the piece, as in flipping the script a bit. The cheater says "It's not you, it's me" then when the cheater attempts to crawl back the narrator uses it as their reasoning "Yep, I'm bitchy - it's not you it's me".
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