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Post by nibbana on Nov 7, 2014 14:56:13 GMT -5
v.2
Ah my darling I love the new smell of a challenge well met,
the shy way you drop your clothes in little puddles, the slight blush as you lower your eyes in a mix of embarrassment and anticipation.
Come closer so I can rub you over with snake oil, charming you with silver arrows from my mouth.
I have waited so long for this evening of whispered pleasures. I thank you, for your naivete.
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v.1
Ah my darling
I love the new smell
of a challenge well met,
the shy way you drop your clothes
in little puddles,
the slight blush as you lower your eyes
in a mix of embarrassment and anticipation.
Come closer so I can rub you over with snake oil,
charming you with silver arrows from my mouth.
I have waited so long
for this evening of whispered pleasures.
I thank you, for the offering of your naivete.
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Sinbad
Nov 8, 2014 12:56:30 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on Nov 8, 2014 12:56:30 GMT -5
Sensual with a hint of sinister intent there at the end, Nibbana. My only suggestion is to divide this into strophes. Lovely work.
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Sinbad
Nov 8, 2014 20:48:25 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by markusmagellus on Nov 8, 2014 20:48:25 GMT -5
^^ What they said^^
I think your expression is skillful, Nibbana. Just break it up a little bit. Or maybe center align it.
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Sinbad
Nov 9, 2014 20:52:00 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by nibbana on Nov 9, 2014 20:52:00 GMT -5
Thank you thank you everyone!
I will try center align first. Let me know what you think.
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Sinbad
Nov 9, 2014 23:26:30 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by goldfinch on Nov 9, 2014 23:26:30 GMT -5
So pretty! I love this! I like the center alignment, but I think breaking it up a little would be stunning.
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Sinbad
Nov 12, 2014 14:00:30 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Nov 12, 2014 14:00:30 GMT -5
a line from the Rocky Horror Show jumped to mind reading this "Come up to the lab, and see whats on the slab" as Aish said already sensuous with the undercurrant of sinister...but i like its format as it is really nice piece
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Sinbad
Nov 12, 2014 17:00:31 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 12, 2014 17:00:31 GMT -5
You need a break between L7 and L8. Very well written. The only suggestion I have, besides a line break, is the last line could be shortened to; " I thank you for your naivete." My favorite lines; " the shy way you drop your clothes in little puddles, the slight blush as you lower your eyes in a mix of embarrassment and anticipation."
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Sinbad
Nov 20, 2014 16:14:05 GMT -5
Post by nibbana on Nov 20, 2014 16:14:05 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! Version two is up.
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Sinbad
Nov 20, 2014 18:06:05 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 20, 2014 18:06:05 GMT -5
Thumbs up. It’s perfect.
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Sinbad
Nov 21, 2014 14:42:00 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Nov 21, 2014 14:42:00 GMT -5
I agree with LF. Skillful use of an edit, Nibbana.
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