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Post by Bastet on Nov 3, 2014 21:10:24 GMT -5
Suspicion lingers haunting autumn's midnight aurora catches fire
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Post by goldfinch on Nov 4, 2014 14:15:01 GMT -5
I'm a little confused. Lovely word combinations, but it seems very violent. What am I missing?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 4, 2014 15:26:02 GMT -5
Rally good imagery. It’s a 5,6,6 count though. A small change would make a nice haiku; “Aurora catches haunting autumns midnight fire Suspicion lingers”
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Post by Aish on Nov 5, 2014 11:44:20 GMT -5
Your word choices are supremely interesting, Bastet. Is this representing dawn?
LF, I don't think traditional haiku have a 5-7-5 syllable count. The important elements are a kogi, cutting, and tension between contrasting elements.
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Post by markusmagellus on Nov 5, 2014 21:15:36 GMT -5
I agree with Aish. 5-7-5 is wholly western, regardless of how many people try to say otherwise. Nothing wrong with it, but no reason to adhere unless you want to.
Bastet, this is a haunting piece of writing, though it feels like you've started in the middle. I think a little more is needed.
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Post by nibbana on Nov 5, 2014 21:48:13 GMT -5
I also think this is incomplete. You should probably abandon the haiku form on this one, Bastet.
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Post by Bastet on Nov 6, 2014 2:06:49 GMT -5
Yay, feedback! Ok, I'm going to attempt to add more to the beginning.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Nov 8, 2014 17:06:40 GMT -5
Bestet – I think it is beautiful just as it is. It would be great to see you expand on it but please keep the original too.
Aish - Actually, even wiki acknowledges the 5, 7, 5 form to be the “traditional” American haiku form but it is not considered a rigid form for haiku. There is no rigid form. When I was in grade school I was taught the 5, 7, 5 and have always really liked the rhythm of it. IMO, as long as it is three lines (also not a rigid form) and the center is a cutting line (preferably a juxtapose), and it is related to nature in some way, it is Haiku. I thought my version accomplished that with a 5, 7, 5 is all.
A truly traditional Haiku can’t be written in any language but Japanese.
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Post by twistedangel on Nov 12, 2014 14:15:38 GMT -5
ermm to be fair i dont think Bastet tried to pass it off as a haiku cos she gave it a title haiku or not am not bothered as its a really good write in itself briliant imagery with an oppressive air of violence captured in so few words simply awesome
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Post by Veritas on Oct 28, 2015 21:46:00 GMT -5
rich, succinct... as I comment a year later, during autumn, I wonder, whether or not the fires have gained momentum
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Post by awesomebill on Dec 10, 2015 12:54:52 GMT -5
Not to be a stickler, but, if I may say, de're need be a punctuational error where there ain't no apostrophe in the noun AUTUMN. WOO! Dance like Uma Thurman! The piece itself is just sick, I lack words to describe its awesomeness.
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Post by Bastet on Mar 29, 2016 19:44:34 GMT -5
Shall be corrected post haste, Bill.
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