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Post by Aish on Oct 29, 2014 0:31:17 GMT -5
You are not the sun.
It doesn't set behind your lungs or rise faithfully from your stride, but climbing rungs of ribs I can pull the rubies from your throat with my beak.
Sharp as obsidian I knap my tongue into a weapon, scrubbing your insides with sand until the ghosts of long dead tides draw breaths of beauty and mystery.
The shadows of your bones lie. Only echoes remain, ricocheting paralyzed hymns toward a moth eaten moon.
Ether, baby. I lift starless wings above the wound of your name;
and curse the scent of melting wax.
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Post by twistedangel on Oct 29, 2014 1:31:08 GMT -5
from S1 i cant get the image of a man in a gibbet with crows pecking at him out me head probly cos am almost finished the Clan of the Cave Bear series, but its taking somthing natural an turning your will, imagination an skill into somthing not only useful but possibly beautiful as well following into S3..the knappers waste left behind...unwanted detritus an all thats bad now cleansed away i just cant get the whole yet tho only kinda glimpses in each stanza/strophe deffo be reading this a few times
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Post by windfog on Oct 29, 2014 11:54:32 GMT -5
After I read this piece - I'm not going to read something else today. Just ... not to splash this piece, sensation, passion ... W.F.
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Post by krourya on Oct 29, 2014 13:21:56 GMT -5
After reading this, I read a few more from you. Building complex structures seems to be quite normal for you. I liked this one too.
I somehow connected better (or understood better) with this flow..
"Sharp as obsidian I knap my tongue into a weapon, The shadows of your bones lie Only echoes remain,"
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Post by goldfinch on Oct 29, 2014 18:20:52 GMT -5
S2 L3 could easily make two lines instead of one.
I'm not sure how I feel about " paralyzed hymns".
An intricate, interesting piece, Aish.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 30, 2014 0:07:43 GMT -5
Rhythm wise it looks good but "I knap" just seems to be on the wrong line. Reading it out loud, the pause seems in the wrong place. L2 should start; "Nor does it"
Awesome write, but I don't see how it connects to the title.
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Post by Aish on Oct 30, 2014 14:54:30 GMT -5
I love you astute readers! Thank you for all the wonderful feedback.
krourya, I think I agree with you.
Will get a second version up with all the suggestions very soon.
LF, reconciliation means many things. It isn't always pleasant. The final line is a nod to Icarus. Maybe that will help.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 30, 2014 16:12:50 GMT -5
LOL Yah, that helps. I was so focused on "Ether, baby." I forgot about the sun and related wax to prayer. Definitely has a different meaning now. Falling.
I noticed this on first read and thought it likely to pass but after a few reads I have to agree with Goldfinch. " ricocheting" leads into, " toward a moth eaten moon." so well that "paralyzed hymns" seams out of place. It blurs the ricocheting echo.
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Post by nibbana on Oct 31, 2014 0:09:27 GMT -5
This is the kind of offering that keeps me coming back. Seems the others have already hit the points, so I just say this is fantastic and wait for the edit.
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Post by markusmagellus on Nov 5, 2014 21:17:46 GMT -5
I don't have anything to add to the suggestions, so I'll wait impatiently for the revision.
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