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Plutonians
Oct 28, 2014 23:53:02 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on Oct 28, 2014 23:53:02 GMT -5
Hi, Jag. When I read the title "night's plutonian shore" immediately popped into my head. Two points for evoking a spontaneous memory of Poe without trying to channel him. 2 more points for being deft enough to weave a little mythology with a little astronomy and a hefty pinch of organic re- birth.
All that being said, I think your opening line needs capitalized. " loving tantric" breaks the easy rhythm you had going. It's a good thought, just needs a more fluid way of introducing it. " the fingers black crevices" is a wonderful image. No capitalization necessary after ellipses, and they consist of three dots, not two. I think " Manifested of destruction" should be Manifestation.
[ Sacred to the touch dying after lessons, bring fourth ashes..] I like the idea behind this strophe, but the delivery needs a little work. And " Arise" would be a better fit for the final line.
Overall, I enjoyed it.
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Plutonians
Oct 29, 2014 14:37:45 GMT -5
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Post by Bastet on Oct 29, 2014 14:37:45 GMT -5
S6 needs capitalized. S6L1 feels stunted, but everything else is glorious. I adore the warm darkness, and the end is superb.
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Post by goldfinch on Oct 29, 2014 18:35:05 GMT -5
( ninth from center cold and abandoned) hits home for me. Wicked work, Jag.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 29, 2014 23:20:24 GMT -5
If you're fixed on the combination "a Phoenix" then I suggest "and rise a Phoenix." But I think "Rise Phoenix" is a bit more ominous. Like a command. I don't think you need "the" in L2. Nice opening, great ending and nice wording in the body too; "Forbidden one juggled with planets, ninth from blazing center, cold and abandoned... "Really like this one.
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Post by nibbana on Oct 31, 2014 0:04:39 GMT -5
I see you play with darkness well. Kudos.
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