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Post by Bastet on Oct 22, 2014 13:48:01 GMT -5
Hey, so I'm leaving this to let you know I've read it and I really like the topic. I shall return with some crit for you.
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Post by windfog on Oct 24, 2014 4:09:24 GMT -5
Hi, Jag! You really brought "fresh wind" on this forum!
Cool, clever piece! Enjoyed! W.F.
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Post by twistedangel on Oct 26, 2014 3:30:06 GMT -5
liked this alot S1 is me fave an IMO stands out almost as a write on its own reckon it could be trimmed down a bit to help with the flow eg S4L2 "to immortals frantically searching" loose the word "to"...as just 1 example cool piece
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Post by Bastet on Oct 29, 2014 14:55:30 GMT -5
Left brain, right brain.. I think this would be a more effective title than the opening line. Left Brain/ Right Brain
Room mates, Best friends and worse foes. Are these two lines necessary? Battling forever over control with tendencies of an addict deceiving each other more than ones own perceived enemies. I get the struggle in these four lines, but I think you can present it better.
For what is thought of For is unnecessary. This strophe can be presented more poetically and succinctly. Really, I like the concept of this piece a lot. I just think you should step away a little, read it aloud a few times, and remove the unnecessary verbage. Always a pleasure to read you, Jag.
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