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Post by twistedangel on Oct 18, 2014 4:54:56 GMT -5
Hiya an welcome to DS lots of friendly peeps on here. ..tho I reckon a lots are hybernating at the mo as for your first poem if am honest...it looks ugly as a block of text. Needs breaking down an given some structure gotta say I never seen a glass with a stone handle before !? overall tho...nice write
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Post by Aish on Oct 23, 2014 0:54:06 GMT -5
Interesting singular bullet point. Mind if I rip this apart?
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 23, 2014 2:58:50 GMT -5
Hi Jaguarprince and welcome to Dark Star. This place can be slow compared to some of the other poetry forums but you’ll find we aren’t all about platitudes either. We focus on helping each other improve our poetry and writing skills. In our guidelines; DS GuidlinesIt says that we require three constructive criticisms for each of the poems you post in the poetry boards. You have begun by posting several poems and as a consequence you owe us a lot of feedback. Don’t worry too much about it. We know it can feel daunting, especially in the beginning, but we do expect some effort. It forces us to really think about what we like and don’t like about different aspects of poetry and is a great way to learn (and remember) how to improve our own. Take a look around, read the comments, and get an idea of the kind of comments we are looking for. I see that Aish has offered to rip this one apart. I was going to do the same until I read her offer. Take her up on it. This is good and I really like it but it could be more poetic. The best advice I can remember receiving early on went something like this; "Don’t tell us. Picture an image and describe it the best you can." Leave something to the reader’s imagination by using fewer words. Let the reader fill in with their own experiences by implying rather than telling us. Avoid repetition (mostly). Use descriptive words and avoid words like “The” and “You.” For example; In your first strophe you start with “I am” but simply stating “Your favorite cup” opens the poem with an image that comes directly from the reader’s imagination and is more immersive without “I am”. Your second strophe starts with “You” but “Pick your poison” is all you really need and less rigid to the reader’s imagination. Also, avoid conjunctions (and, but, or) unless they help the rhythm. Eg; “Your favorite cup, crafted from an ancient past punctured at the bottom.
Pick your poison, pouring, delighted, (place the action before the reaction) looking down as you drown me.“ When you write a poem to “You” try to open by establishing “You” and then avoid using the word anymore. I overused this word a lot until it was numerously pointed out to me how annoying it is to the reader. LOL I find that particular perspective funny because it was so obvious when I looked at it from the reader’s point of view but as the writer we want to keep focusing on the “You.” Come to think of it I should probably take another stab at “Ashes in the Wind.” I You’d the crap out of that one. LOL
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 23, 2014 23:03:37 GMT -5
Some of my best stuff came from emotional turmoil though I’ve seldom had the courage to post those raw. I usually let it sit for a week or two before I can work on it with any objectivity then I post it for feedback. My flops are almost always the ones I start by thinking too much.
I love the cup aspect and I have a few cup related poems here too. I was ready to rip it apart and give extensive feedback for two reasons; I like it a lot and think it is well written. And there are a lot of small but common… I hesitate to call them mistakes because all rules should be taken in a general context and should be broken. Examples of guidelines to writing poetry that appeals to a wider audience. While I am good at giving a rather clinical view of these Aish is a lot better at symbolism and imagery. She has a way with word combinations I envy.
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Post by windfog on Oct 24, 2014 0:16:05 GMT -5
Hi! Great metaphor! "Ancient Cup" Through generation it walks. Holy Grail. Offers poison and death. I like it! W.F.
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Post by windfog on Oct 24, 2014 1:17:39 GMT -5
I agree with you - the cup is innocent. Then - who's guilty? W.F.
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