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Post by -For Her- on Oct 7, 2014 23:40:39 GMT -5
I died twice since you last thought of me caught in capillary strands black feeling good heart warmth to cover your life in a puddle of tears got a nerve forcing pressure towards a break in my concrete demeanor where I thought a pain could not be with your removal performed from memory hand splintered from the tip cracked skin arm vines wrap my base to force rooting at a distance from your perpetually extended etched image reaching out for you there were rain drops once that fell just for us on a grey day I slayed myself open so you could crawl in and become a part of me
My only hope is that after death we will meet
A little light splayed about my presence
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Post by Bastet on Oct 8, 2014 11:16:29 GMT -5
It would be nice if you joined, -For Her-.
This is lovely. The choppy use of words surprised me in its effectiveness. A little raw while somehow still being polished. I think it's beautiful. That being said, maybe you should consider working this into strophes. Right now it's just a little brick of words and while they are effective words and this made me sigh heavily, as a piece of poetry I think you would be better served by giving it a little finesse.
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Post by Aish on Oct 12, 2014 3:13:26 GMT -5
I will echo Bastet, it's always nicer to see a new member than a guest. It's easier to get to know someone and their writing that way.
Honestly, while I think Bastet has hit the nail on the head with her suggestions I will admit reading this took my breath away a little. It's border line unhealthy. But maybe I am simply allowing too much of my own personal experience to overlap.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Oct 17, 2014 20:33:32 GMT -5
Your word choices and combinations make for a hard hitting piece. I really enjoyed reading this. All it lacks is rhythm and form. This could be a real beauty of a write. Sign up and look around. See if you find a form you feel fits this and try it out. I’d love to read more of your work. And don’t be afraid to ask. Aish and I are around often. PM either of us anytime.
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