ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Jun 24, 2014 15:56:50 GMT -5
I imagine a dense network of tunnels; malleable, hollow tubes narrowing then swelling - breathing a complex language beyond my comprehension. The synchrony is beautiful and I long to understand it.
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Pride Ed
Dark Initiate
I'll scream for you in whispers, because I always hated being too loud.
Posts: 35
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Post by Pride Ed on Jun 24, 2014 19:27:15 GMT -5
I like the minimalist feel of this. You have conveyed a lot of imagery in few lines, and I love the use of personification here. Terrific work!
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Post by Bastet on Jun 26, 2014 14:20:59 GMT -5
I imagine a dense network of tunnels; Is "I imagine" necessary as your opener?malleable, hollow tubes narrowing then swelling - breathing a complex language beyond my comprehension. Love these two lines a lot. The synchrony is beautiful and I long to understand it.
It's a really lovely piece, ama. "I imagine" just kind of made it feel as if something should have come before it, since it's a preface type statement. Your style seems to be pretty refined, and I'm really enjoying your work.
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Post by goldfinch on Jun 26, 2014 23:48:57 GMT -5
Such a great poem. Thank you.
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Jun 27, 2014 3:23:44 GMT -5
I imagine a dense network of tunnels; Is "I imagine" necessary as your opener?malleable, hollow tubes narrowing then swelling - breathing a complex language beyond my comprehension. Love these two lines a lot. The synchrony is beautiful and I long to understand it.
It's a really lovely piece, ama. "I imagine" just kind of made it feel as if something should have come before it, since it's a preface type statement. Your style seems to be pretty refined, and I'm really enjoying your work. Thank you for the great review I can understand "imagine" doing that; I was unsure of where to start with this one but decided to leave it there and use the title (originaly the start of the poem) to start off.. Instead of "underneath, I imagine...". Don't know if I'm making any sense (what, with the wine and all ). I'll give this a wee think over and see what happens with it. Thanks for your time and thoughtfulness; it's always appreciated
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Jun 27, 2014 3:26:30 GMT -5
I like the minimalist feel of this. You have conveyed a lot of imagery in few lines, and I love the use of personification here. Terrific work! Thank you! I'm pleased you enjoyed it.
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Post by Aish on Jul 1, 2014 0:29:13 GMT -5
Hey, ama I'll echo Bastet's opinion regarding your opening line. Reading the title directly into it helps, but a little more "skin" or prompt would be nice, too. I think you could effectively remove "my" from S1L4 and "it" from S2L2. Tiny tiny nits, it's a quality piece.
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Post by Mikepoet on Jul 26, 2014 1:21:54 GMT -5
as always I enjoyed the read with no critique.
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