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Post by Aish on Jun 20, 2014 20:43:43 GMT -5
magnetic in the darkness we are all that remains
you eat the flame pulsing above my palms tongue carving troughs in ribbons around my arms
saliva inlaying lapis turquoise and abalone in a living river two feasting serpents as the dead travel upwards into the sun
unquiet placenta crochets delicate hip bones and insects from my feet
as I pull rubies from your throat in flawless strings breaking little pieces to let my light in
just as the moon sheds the weight of this world like skin
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Post by Bastet on Jun 21, 2014 15:42:58 GMT -5
magnetic in the darkness Very pretty opening, but it feels like it begins in the middle of something already happening. Maybe more of a lead in would be nice? we are all that remains All that remains of what?
you eat the flame pulsing above my palms tongue carving troughs in ribbons around my arms Beautifully brutal.
saliva inlaying lapis turquoise and abalone in a living river Maybe stream? Or creation myth? Or... two feasting serpents as the dead travel upwards into the sun Are these two lines allusions to creation myths?
unquiet placenta crochets Am iffy about what I think of this, tbh. delicate hip bones and insects from my feet
as I pull rubies from your throat in flawless strings Oddly, grossly fascinating image. I wouldn't call it tender, but it's rendered that way. breaking little pieces to let my light in
just as the moon sheds the weight of this world like skin Soft rhyme at the end - shall I smack you for it? It doesn't seem to detract from the piece. I get the feeling you did it intentionally. You have a deification thing going here. Strongly sensual, strongly brutal, perhaps unapologetically clandestine.
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Post by nibbana on Jul 13, 2014 18:44:24 GMT -5
magnetic in the darkness we are all that remains
you eat the flame pulsing above my palms tongue carving troughs in ribbons around my arms Rather strange that just this bit rhymes. Quite visceral imagery.
saliva inlaying lapis turquoise and abalone in a living river two feasting serpents as the dead Mayhaps "two serpents feast" would be better, and drop the rest into the next line. As it sits now it is a little hard to read. travel upwards into the sun
unquiet placenta crochets delicate hip bones and insects from my feet
as I pull rubies from your throat in flawless strings breaking little pieces to let my light in
just as the moon sheds the weight of this world like skin Beautiful ending.
This is an unusual piece. Some deification at play here? Very pretty overall in mythic themes (kinda jumbled up though).
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MidSummer
Nov 6, 2014 4:29:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Nov 6, 2014 4:29:58 GMT -5
* bump*
You just dumped and ran. Come to think of it, you have four or five pieces in various states of disarray. Finish!
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MidSummer
Nov 6, 2014 4:32:38 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Bastet on Nov 6, 2014 4:32:38 GMT -5
And you recycled that string of rubies in the throat thing! Harrumph!
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Nabi
Crimson Soul
Posts: 115
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MidSummer
Nov 7, 2014 20:27:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Nabi on Nov 7, 2014 20:27:58 GMT -5
Its pretty, but very disarrayed.
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