Secret lover watches
his loved who does not know
that the secret lover loves
his hidden loved one so
This strophe sounds stalkerish. And I saw derivatives of "love" waaaaay to many times. You could really just sum this up with something like "He secretly watches" or "She silently watches" or "The creeper observes in silence".Waiting for the moment
when the truth can be revealed
and the secret lovers loved
To be blunt - blech. Strike this line.can see his love unsealed
So this strophe could effectively be "Waiting for the moment/when his (or her) love is unsealed" though I think something like "passion" is more appropriate.The secret lover loves his loved
like none have loved before
with every waking moment spent
in loneliness galore
The lover only needs to hear
his loved ones name called out
then he will go and snatch his prize
on that there is no doubt
He spends all day in agony
and all the night in pain
while he listens carefully
to each and every name
When at last your name is called
the lover you will see
come to take you from this place
and set your spirit free
For some of us...
the way we see...
the lover... "death"
no enemy
The whole piece could be served well if you take a good hard look at it with a fresh perspective and re-worked it along the lines of what I did to the first two strophes. All just mho, of course. Thanks for sharing, krake.