krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Jun 11, 2014 20:32:01 GMT -5
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Post by twistedangel on Jun 12, 2014 1:43:18 GMT -5
Loving the potential energy in this waiting to explode...volcanic rumblings deep below for me S1 L4 id lose an maybe change L3 slightly to somthing like 'Tick follows tock of wooden clock' Also S4 L2 would change the word "In" to 'A' all minor stuff really
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Post by Bastet on Jun 12, 2014 11:48:43 GMT -5
Alone he sits, in darkness, waiting; The opening line reminds me soooo much of The Raven (Once upon a midnight dreary). It's the rhythm.Hopeful, pining, thirsting. And then the rhythm changes here.Tick tock of wooden clock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. His eyes grow wilder, His breathing faster, His patience thinner, His desire stronger. "Blood!" He screams aloud. "Call for me!" He cries, "Need me," he begs. "Surrender to me," he demands. Alone he sits, in darkness, waiting; In private room inside my head. Here you switch from "he" to "me". Not recommended. Is the intention to show a portion of self or characteristic or even *le gasp* alternate personality being locked inside and this line is the clue to that?Locked away, tucked away, hidden; He shall not so remain. Wonky diction.
So it's a piece about fighting an inner demon? Addiction? Cool concept.
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Post by twistedangel on Jun 12, 2014 13:16:30 GMT -5
am gonna have to go on a Google mission (after Download fest) to find some examples cos "He shall not so remain" is sooo not wonky diction but more in keeping with writing in old english
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Post by Bastet on Jun 12, 2014 14:50:46 GMT -5
am gonna have to go on a Google mission (after Download fest) to find some examples cos
"He shall not so remain" is sooo not wonky diction but more in keeping with writing in old englishOkies, I get your point Angel and am waiting for examples Gotta say though, IMO, to start and end the piece with old school type writing the middle doesn't match stylistically or rhythmically so you might want to work on cohesiveness Krake.
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krake
Crimson Soul
Posts: 79
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Post by krake on Jun 12, 2014 18:09:16 GMT -5
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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Post by Bastet on Jun 21, 2014 15:17:10 GMT -5
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