ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Post by ama on Jun 5, 2014 5:36:44 GMT -5
Dark settles on the walls. The street lamp blinks light, dies, then blinks again. A moth- stuck inside the room pares its wings on the glass, falls to the windowsill, then does it again. My eyelids do the same.
I imagine his mouth; the ghosts under his tongue slide through the cracks of his teeth, find mine, stay there. And the birds at the backs of our eyes drink too much to leave.
He told me there's a life of everything, somewhere else; one that isn't made of feathers or concrete. I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass, He, the sun, and my guts would be warm under him.
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Ghosts
Jun 6, 2014 10:48:04 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Jun 6, 2014 10:48:04 GMT -5
Dark settles on the walls. The street lamp blinks light, dies, then blinks again. A moth- stuck inside the room- Just a small thing really, but is the dash necessary at the end of this line? Great set up, and your opening thought is surprisingly vivid, in that it brought to mind watching the dusk turn to darkness. pares its wings on the glass, falls to the windowsill, then does it again. My eyelids do the same. This entire strophe has a sort of hypnotic effect. Well written.
I imagine his mouth; the ghosts under his tongue slide through the cracks of his teeth, find mine, stay there. And the birds at the backs of our eyes drink too much to leave. Your images are unique and visceral.
He told me there's a life of everything, somewhere else; one that isn't made of feathers or concrete. I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass, He, the sun, and my guts would be warm under him. I love the way you tied this up with the image in the opening strophe.
Welcome, ama. This is a beautiful piece of writing. I look forward to reading more.
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Ghosts
Jun 7, 2014 3:12:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ama on Jun 7, 2014 3:12:01 GMT -5
Hi there. Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I can completely see your point about the dash, in that It's probably not necessary. Sometimes, you look at something for so long you get lost in it and it takes another set of eyes to help you see again. Thank you for that and I'll take care of the dash. Really pleased to meet you and I'm looking forward to reading from you.
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Ghosts
Jun 7, 2014 8:46:04 GMT -5
Post by nibbana on Jun 7, 2014 8:46:04 GMT -5
Wonderful way to introduce yourself, this is a refreshingly different sort of piece skillfully penned. Welcome to DS!
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Ghosts
Jun 8, 2014 10:09:05 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Jun 8, 2014 10:09:05 GMT -5
Hi there. Thank you so much for your thoughtful review. I can completely see your point about the dash, in that It's probably not necessary. Sometimes, you look at something for so long you get lost in it and it takes another set of eyes to help you see again. Thank you for that and I'll take care of the dash. Really pleased to meet you and I'm looking forward to reading from you. You're welcome. It's lovely to have you here.
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Ghosts
Jun 10, 2014 12:03:12 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 12:03:12 GMT -5
Dark settles on the walls. The street lamp blinks light, dies, then blinks again. A moth- stuck inside the room I agree with Parakeet about the dash, it doesn't seem necessary. pares its wings on the glass, falls to the windowsill,Wonderful use of descriptive language. then does it again. My eyelids do the same. Skillful parallel between the fluttering butterfly wings and fluttering eyelids.I imagine his mouth; the ghosts under his tongue slide through the cracks of his teeth, find mine, stay there. And the birds at the backs of our eyes drink too much to leave. This strophe is f*cking brilliant. It's fresh and unique while remaining wholly relatable.My only crit is "slide" should perhaps be "sliding".He told me there's a life of everything, somewhere The grammar seems to be a bit wonky in this line. else; one that isn't made of feathers or concrete. I'd be the flayed moth that made it through the glass, He, the sun, and my guts would be warm under him. It's wonderful to see you posting, ama. This is one hell of a piece of poetry.
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Ghosts
Jun 21, 2014 15:35:36 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on Jun 21, 2014 15:35:36 GMT -5
I'm gonna prod you, ama - more, please.
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Ghosts
Jun 24, 2014 15:50:36 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ama on Jun 24, 2014 15:50:36 GMT -5
I'm gonna prod you, ama - more, please. Thanks so much, Aish! It's truly awesome to see you post here in my thread and leave such a thoughtful review. Gonna fix that wonky bit... should I post a new edit here or just edit the original? Thanks again, lil' lady
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ama
Dark Initiate
I live, same as the next person.
Posts: 44
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Ghosts
Jun 24, 2014 15:53:46 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ama on Jun 24, 2014 15:53:46 GMT -5
I'm gonna prod you, ama - more, please. You might end up regretting that x
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Ghosts
Jun 26, 2014 23:51:25 GMT -5
Post by goldfinch on Jun 26, 2014 23:51:25 GMT -5
So unique. Beautiful. Thank you.
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Pride Ed
Dark Initiate
I'll scream for you in whispers, because I always hated being too loud.
Posts: 35
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Ghosts
Jul 10, 2014 21:42:08 GMT -5
Post by Pride Ed on Jul 10, 2014 21:42:08 GMT -5
This is very beautiful. Its dark, yet elegant in its word choices and imagery. Lovely!
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Ghosts
Jul 14, 2014 9:23:16 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Mikepoet on Jul 14, 2014 9:23:16 GMT -5
there is something about a moth and its fatal attraction to flame or light. I have used it. you did well with this one I shall read more of your posts.I wonder why we the moth type commit emotional suicide by seeking love. I see the light it burns but still I wish to touch it.its like an emptines it needs to be filled.
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Ghosts
Jul 16, 2014 2:27:39 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 16, 2014 2:27:39 GMT -5
Hi Ama and welcome to Dark Star
Very nice first offering. Nice imagery used very well to convey a lovely sentiment and feeling. I find I share Mikes experience in your poetry and look forward to reading more. It’s lovely.
Two suggestions; I love the parallel between the fluttering eyelids and the moth but I’d like to see it worked in more seamlessly. The way “My eyelids do the same.” kind of hangs at the end of the strophe is a bit abrupt. I want to see a smoother transition/mix. Something like; “Eyelids flutter, wings of a moth pared on glass stuck inside the room, fallen to the windowsill, then again.”
Notice I also removed a few words to make more room for your word choices to imply rather than the more imaginatively rigid method of telling.
The last two lines could pare up more closely like this; The first of the two start with “I’d” and the second starts with “He.” When possible it is best to keep the same tense like “I” and “He.” Bring both lines into the here and now instead of what could or will be. “I, the flayed moth that made it through the glass. He, the sun, my guts warm under him.”
These are small things but small things can put an amazing polish on a beauty of a write like this one.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Ghosts
Jul 20, 2014 3:00:56 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jul 20, 2014 3:00:56 GMT -5
I'm gonna prod you, ama - more, please. Thanks so much, Aish! It's truly awesome to see you post here in my thread and leave such a thoughtful review. Gonna fix that wonky bit... should I post a new edit here or just edit the original? Thanks again, lil' lady You're always welcome, Darling I'm really happy to see you here. I find it easiest to post the revisions above the original. Just look around and you'll see examples of all of us doing just that.
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Ghosts
Oct 27, 2014 11:35:04 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Aish on Oct 27, 2014 11:35:04 GMT -5
I second Jag. Come back, mamacita.
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