LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on May 24, 2014 18:48:05 GMT -5
Dying in love The last curtain Shelters my final supper Hear me beloved The ugly skin glued to my flesh Pealing with no sign to recover am I to blame? More swores Torn by sulfur infested tears Raining down the hills The hills I call cheeks A blaze of sadness Embarks my every move Taunting a seeming discovery I bleed for her Her alone As a grain of sand Among the beaches Single and alive I bleed for her Yet she starves my dreams With the suffocating truth But... To hear her soul sing A song of songs A heavenly sound I wish to never hear I am cursed By her chords of harmony Remember my sorrow Like a callus to mass As pressure weighs on The pain still hurts
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Post by Veritas on May 25, 2014 18:21:22 GMT -5
sound emotion, striking imagery , I found a verse or two detracting from the whole, but that is my own personal taste. I enjoyed the piece, I also relate to it sharply.
-Lms
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Post by Aish on May 27, 2014 1:43:52 GMT -5
Dying in love The last curtain Shelters my final supper Hear me beloved The ugly skin glued to my flesh Super imagery, great line.Pealing with no sign to recover I think you meant "peeling". Bells peal, skin peels.am I to blame? More swores Swores or sores? Or swears?Torn by sulfur infested tears Raining down the hills The hills I call cheeks A blaze of sadness Embarks my every move Improper grammar. Taunting a seeming discovery I bleed for her Her alone As a grain of sand Among the beaches Single and alive I bleed for her Yet she starves my dreams Great line.With the suffocating truth But... To hear her soul sing A song of songs A heavenly sound I wish to never hear I am cursed By her chords of harmony Remember my sorrow Like a callus to mass As pressure weighs on The pain still hurts Uh, if it doesn't hurt, it isn't pain. A scar perhaps? The two lines I singled out are the strongest in the piece in my opinion. My advice to you is to keep
The ugly skin glued to my flesh
I bleed for her Yet she starves my dreams
and start over.
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on Jun 5, 2014 21:20:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the critique. I appreciate it.
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Post by Mikepoet on Jul 24, 2014 12:42:52 GMT -5
I enjoyed this. am not good at critiqueing I see only good for the most part you expressed your feelings well your ability to express yourself well is usually accompanied by an equil ability to feel these same emotions as well. .
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