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Post by Veritas on May 17, 2014 19:40:15 GMT -5
From off the lips of love's deceitful mouth escapes a calm bidding desire, whispered near the tiny hairs of the ear the hunger for lust & its shyly concealed need for compassion boils over like saliva off the smooth teeth of a dog in heat about to cumm
lust, a temptation love a peril ...indeed a perilous work of art
The temptress smiles as she enters the room divine pheromones sent sailing not knowing which animals abound out for the hunt as well razor-blade flashes seen by eyes that dine on the soft beauty of ripe young skin where heavenly creatures crawl upon one another fingers simple as a feathers tickle and the ravaging warmth of a tongue consuming love's sensual nipple...
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Post by Bastet on May 24, 2014 18:27:03 GMT -5
From off the lips of love's deceitful mouth escapes a calm bidding desire, whispered , near the tiny hairs of the ear Are both commas in this line necessary? the hunger for lust & it's shyly concealed need for compassion Is "it's" necessary? boils over like saliva off the smooth teeth of a dog in heat about to cumm Is the elaboration of "about to cumm" necessary?
lust, a temptation love a peril ...indeed a perilous work of art Really, really like this strophe. Small nit: maybe a different adjective than perilous?
The temptress smiles as she enters the room divine pheromones sent sailing not knowing which animals abound out for the hunt as well razor-blade flashes Up to here you really have my attention. seen by eyes that dine on the soft beauty of ripe young skin Are these two lines necessary? where heavenly creatures crawl upon one another fingers simple as a feathers tickle and the ravaging warmth of a tongue consuming love's sensual nipple...
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on May 24, 2014 19:08:50 GMT -5
The details are evident, which creatively shaped your poem.I enjoyed the imagery. Great poem:)
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Post by Veritas on May 25, 2014 18:35:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the nudge in the right direction "Zombie". The cumm thing is a use of porno lingo, I get you mean did I have to hit it home. Well, I dig it now as much as when I wrote it (circa 1996). I am curious how I held your attention to "this point" why ? or why did I lose you? I should say, in addition I believe the two lines you ask: are they necessary? I feel they depict the vicious creature who is eying its prey in a storytelling way. I'm gonna go out on a limb & say it wasn't your cup o' tea but I appreciate your time & opinion.
-Lms
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Post by twistedangel on May 26, 2014 4:02:46 GMT -5
I like the comma after whispeted...a pause that works well adding a bit of drama...maybe put 'desire' on L2? the cum reference does hit hard...ooer lol...an again IMO gives the write a dirtyness an a realism to wot its trying to say am a bit confused eith the razor blade line...liked it but then nothing happened with it overall a nice piece of dark lusting desire...loved it
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Post by Aish on May 27, 2014 1:14:11 GMT -5
I prefer the spoken version, but reading it is ok, too. Post more oldies!
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Post by Aish on May 27, 2014 1:20:02 GMT -5
From off the lips of love's deceitful mouth escapes a calm bidding desire, whispered near the tiny hairs of the ear the hunger for lust & its shyly concealed need for compassion boils over like saliva off the smooth teeth of a dog in heat about to cumm I'm going to echo Parakeet with this one, "about to cumm" could be left out, the very concrete image I now have, of a bulldog no less don't know why, interrupts the refined element you had going. On second thought I realize that was probably intentional.
lust, a temptation love a peril ...indeed a perilous work of art
The temptress smiles as she enters the room divine pheromones sent sailing not knowing which animals abound out for the hunt as well razor-blade flashes seen by eyes that dine on the soft beauty of ripe young skin where heavenly creatures crawl upon one another OH.YES. fingers simple as a feathers tickle and the ravaging warmth of a tongue consuming Consider putting the ellipses here and striking the final line. love's sensual nipple...
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Post by Bastet on May 28, 2014 2:04:29 GMT -5
Thanks for the nudge in the right direction "Zombie". The cumm thing is a use of porno lingo, I get you mean did I have to hit it home. Well, I dig it now as much as when I wrote it (circa 1996). I am curious how I held your attention to "this point" why ? or why did I lose you? I should say, in addition I believe the two lines you ask: are they necessary? I feel they depict the vicious creature who is eying its prey in a storytelling way. I'm gonna go out on a limb & say it wasn't your cup o' tea but I appreciate your time & opinion. -Lms It was my cup o' tea, actually lol. Overall I really enjoyed it, guess I should have said that. The style you used in this piece is unique and refreshing from the "norm" of love/lust poetry. The cumming - er - just seems to cheapen the effect you have going. Quite an image to be sure. When I said you had me up to that certain point was because the two lines proceeding are erroneous imo. S3L8 ties in just fine on its own and I agree with Aish that you could effectively end on your penultimate line.
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Post by Veritas on May 29, 2014 1:08:54 GMT -5
Thanks so much you two, spit and polish on old chrome. I'll revise on the morrow -LMS
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Post by Veritas on May 29, 2014 18:50:04 GMT -5
I tried but dropping the final line leaves it "limping". Any ideas?
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Post by Bastet on Jun 6, 2014 10:53:55 GMT -5
I tried but dropping the final line leaves it "limping". Any ideas? LOL
I copied it and cut it up on my own to read it the way it would be with the suggestions put into play. I liked the outcome, however I see your point with the end. On one hand I say it leaves the reader to finish it off with their own image or thought. On the other hand I think it needs a statement or image to tie it up. So now that I've been clear as mud, I suppose my answer is what about "love's sensual ripple" instead of nipple? It's a little ambiguous while maintaining your vibe.
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Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 12:05:57 GMT -5
I second the use of "love's sensual ripple".
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Post by Mikepoet on Jul 21, 2014 3:38:34 GMT -5
well done. felt some essence of human sensuality.
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