LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Alysa
May 17, 2014 7:52:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by LSD on May 17, 2014 7:52:57 GMT -5
Trapped in the sight of others Lazy I sleep She strolled by Like the wind With her rosy red cheeks Lying beneath autumn grass Rooted Expelled from human kind In love with her A love to find
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Alysa
May 17, 2014 16:41:04 GMT -5
Post by Bastet on May 17, 2014 16:41:04 GMT -5
Are the first 2 lines necessary?
Nice gauzy feel to this piece. It's a soft snapshot. You might consider not capitalizing every line.
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Alysa
May 18, 2014 12:45:39 GMT -5
Post by nibbana on May 18, 2014 12:45:39 GMT -5
Opener is very cool, we are all trapped, and subject to the interpretation of others, yes?
Kind of stream of consciousness, but the first two lines even though cool I am not connecting to the remainder. "A love to find" seems strange after "I am in love with her". I also agree with Parakeet about not capitalizing every line.
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Alysa
May 26, 2014 9:08:01 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by LSD on May 26, 2014 9:08:01 GMT -5
Yes. In this poem, "in love " refers to a place. Therefore, I am searching for love while being in love. It was hard to wrap my head around this because it was based off a dream that was not quite clear.
Thanks for your input.
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Alysa
May 26, 2014 20:59:11 GMT -5
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Post by Veritas on May 26, 2014 20:59:11 GMT -5
To be in love with someone while searching for love, would be to be in love with characteristics of the person... to love things about her, not to say you'd be searching for it elsewhere but more like being there & fleshing out the feel... but also I'm not privy to your dream.
-LMS
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Alysa
Jun 10, 2014 12:29:52 GMT -5
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Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 12:29:52 GMT -5
Trapped in the sight of others Lazy I sleep Consider using "lazily" here.She strolled by Like the wind With her rosy red cheeks Lying beneath autumn grass Rooted Expelled from human kind In love with her A love to find This is a sweet offering.Enjoyed.
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Alysa
Jun 26, 2014 23:53:27 GMT -5
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Post by goldfinch on Jun 26, 2014 23:53:27 GMT -5
So pretty. Thank you.
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