me
Crimson Soul
trying to land :_)
Posts: 122
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Post by me on Apr 29, 2014 5:41:15 GMT -5
we are all energy so we carry on no matter where you are no matter where you've gone we are all forever , and once for all all singular remnants of a much bigger part each one is a you , every you a one me every single one the same if we we would just all see
you're in a stream away dream on a flowing out walk all the ones are so many be you granite or chalk be you hardened by life or just soft to the touch really , everything is just , a little f*cking too much it's a shakey old ride getting where we aint got travel on another life time when the bumble bees stop
looking long at the world last look over it all can you see the earths reflection in a battered down wall in a very big GRAVE in a freshly dug waste it was looking so petty it had a smile on it's face it never thought we'd drop bombs it didn't think we'd live hate it's on the edge of the GRAVE it's final tear on it's face
she's just rollling on in as we keep up the attack nothing left to turn around for with all the world on her back all of us ( in , on ) her face us little enegized dreams will we ever live together whatever the f*ck that word means and that word and that word and that one and the next thet won't mean a f*cking thing when there's just nothing else left we'd all love to go to space shit , people take a big BREATH
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Post by Bastet on May 1, 2014 12:18:26 GMT -5
Hello there, me.
S2 doesn't seem to fit in. You swing from making statements to channeling it to a 'you'. I also think each strophe could probably stand on its own. No offence, rhyme is not my thing. The very simple rhyme scheme starts to grate on my nerves a little by the end.
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on Jun 8, 2014 21:29:02 GMT -5
This poem seems like a far out trip. It was a refreshing read.
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Post by Aish on Jun 10, 2014 12:27:22 GMT -5
I had FUN's song "Carry On" in my head the whole time I was reading this. I didn't think the words in all caps needed to be singled out, but that's just my opinion. I like the idea of Oneness behind this piece. Remember to show, not tell. "it's a shakey old ride" stands out, it's a really good line. There isn't an e in shaky, though.
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