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Post by twistedangel on Apr 10, 2014 10:25:50 GMT -5
Mans span, so short Blink thine eye, an gone Matter neither created nor destroyed Fragile flutterings of heart beats, as dust returns to the cosmos
The grand design, so cold so dark Eternal death
Therefore all life so utterly pointless
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Post by Aish on Apr 13, 2014 12:05:43 GMT -5
I'm surprised no one has commented on this piece yet. It's stark and austere compared to your usual. I really, really like it. I don't necessarily agree with your final thought, but I do identify closely with the seemingly cruel futility of it all.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 14, 2014 5:12:59 GMT -5
I wos drawn to the dark side lol...it actually started out like a 'shut up an get on with it' message but then I got distracted an felt as a write this darker more depressing side better
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Post by Aish on Apr 14, 2014 17:33:29 GMT -5
Well it worked out beautifully.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Apr 15, 2014 1:34:33 GMT -5
I like it. It fits my mood too. I agree with Aish and the final thought too. I haven’t always felt this way but as a believer in our soul I would have said that its growth takes all the futility out of it but then… it hasn’t done my soul any good either.
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Post by nibbana on Apr 15, 2014 20:50:03 GMT -5
Eternal death would be terrible. A complete winking out. That is the nightmare. At least it is mine. S1 L3-5 is gorgeous. This is very good work.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 16, 2014 13:15:32 GMT -5
I think you just gave me new nightmares, Angel. Good work, lol. Seriously though, it's well written. Kudos.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2014 13:39:55 GMT -5
Mans span, so short Blink thine eye, an gone should this be and gone?Matter neither created nor destroyed Fragile flutterings of heart beats, as dust returns to the cosmos The grand design, so cold so dark Eternal death would it benefit the flow here to remove the comma after design and place it instead between so cold so dark?Therefore all life it may be worth adding 'of' hereso utterly pointless Also the capital letters on L2,3,4,6,8 are a little redundant and could probably be changed to lower case letters. Now - in lyrical terms, there's some seething dark beauty in here which is absolutely beautiful. The thing with short pieces like this is that you need to make every word count, and I think you have some layers here which gets the reader thinking. I also love some of the older type language you use here such as 'thine' 'neither' and 'eternal death' which gives the piece a kind of sonnet type feel which is really atmospheric. I think the last four lines clash with this beautiful archaic language you use earlier on, maybe this is something to think about in further pieces.
As as a whole I like the piece, and I think it should remain short like it is, because this would deliver the most impact to the reader. Thank you for sharing it.
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 20, 2014 4:12:27 GMT -5
heya Audeamus cheers for the crit 'an' errm yeah me habitual bad grammar...oops the comma is there as a kinda quick pause for thought..guess it didnt work as I hoped get wot you saying about adding 'of' but wondering if in keeping with the old english 'be' would be the better choice thanks for time an will catch up yours an everyone else's asap
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Post by psr1257 on Apr 25, 2014 12:17:38 GMT -5
Good, short. Thank You.
...
I also don't agree with final conclusion therefore:
// as dust returns to the cosmos
Thermodynamics has proven we are condemned to entropy Death (Chaos) Cosmophysics belives we are in ethernal expanding Universe (Solitude) Biology derives body life span from half time decay of metabolical cycle (Inevitability) Yet we are only ones who can depict that utter desperation with mathematics (The only way)
***
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LSD
Crimson Soul
She needs me, but I need her.
Posts: 102
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Post by LSD on May 13, 2014 22:42:20 GMT -5
If you think of the universe as a painting, we are like the smudge in the corner.
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Post by Veritas on May 26, 2014 21:09:23 GMT -5
look at all this, your piece created all them talking aboot the universe and our tie... star-dust is all we are. "The primordial stuff" the ancient romans used to call it. doom is an outlook, oblivion is inevitable... the cycle though is, for lack of a better word eternal.
-LMS
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me
Crimson Soul
trying to land :_)
Posts: 122
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Post by me on Jun 4, 2014 13:02:29 GMT -5
the gone to nothing is a tough one to tell yourself ain't it , but maybe it would put a fire under more of our arses if we did more often contemplate it , shit there's got to be something though otherwise what the f*ck do i keep getting a bath for :_)
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Post by windfog on Jun 4, 2014 23:30:48 GMT -5
Lady! Lady! Lady! Great! W.F.
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