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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2014 12:58:09 GMT -5
Silence
On this quiet day my sorrows come forth in milling throng accusing shades of the dead
Alone I kneel and make voice but my god has no words for me and the echoes of daily struggle lead into fading silence taking form only in my soliloquy
All I have given in earnest hovers with no song to beckon Thus I’m given the weal of silence The sky has forgotten this son
No matter I am done with prayer on the lips of dawn
LonelyForsaken _____________________________________
On this quiet day sorrows come forth in milling throng shades of the dead
Alone I kneel and make voice to god but my god has no words for me The echoes of daily struggle lead into fading silence taking form only in my soliloquy
All I have given in earnest hovers with no song to beckon Thus I’m given the weal of silence Thus I have forgotten the sky and the sky has forgotten this son
No matter I am done with prayer on the lips of dawn and may my sorrows fade as does the light
LonelyForsaken
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Silence
Mar 14, 2014 22:06:39 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Mar 14, 2014 22:06:39 GMT -5
Awesome write...well thought an put together...erm 'constructed' think thats the word dont think thers 1 line id change at all...loved it ....well as much as you can for a quite disturbingly depressing piece
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Silence
Mar 15, 2014 15:08:13 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 15, 2014 15:08:13 GMT -5
"dont think thers 1 line id change at all...loved it ....well as much as you can for a quite disturbingly depressing piece" - LOL Thanks. I was going for disturbingly dark. A turning away from the light because it shines on too many silent sorrows. It is raw but it's the best I have written in awhile.
I don't like the ending and already think I should drop the last two lines. They tie into the fist stanza and that means it will have go too but it is an aspect I really want to work into this.
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sambo
Dark Initiate
Posts: 23
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Post by sambo on May 20, 2014 16:22:25 GMT -5
That second verse in itself would make an amazing poem. Describes so much how I personally feel so often. Very nice.
Sent from my C1905 using Tapatalk
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Silence
May 25, 2014 20:00:15 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on May 25, 2014 20:00:15 GMT -5
f*ck! I am taken a back by the splendid simplicity, no long wind, no fluff or lack luster feathers... beauty of a write
-Lms
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Silence
Jul 16, 2014 3:22:04 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 16, 2014 3:22:04 GMT -5
Thanks Sambo and Varitas.
Varitas, I knew when I wrote it that if anyone understood it would be you. I think you may find this interesting;
This one was a departure from my usual in more ways than I knew when I wrote it. It was strange, as though I knew what I wanted to say but did not know why when I did. As though my soul wrote and my slow mind took its time in understanding. I have not been here much lately because I am in what you might call an epic struggle that began with this as I joined the fray. I took it to heart as though it wasn’t mine to begin with. It has left me… drained is an understatement and I tire of… searching. Perhaps I have found too much. I have, in effect, been silenced. I ask myself why I write this now and the answer is that I have always fought and pushed against all and every struggle. I do not like the temper I am undertaking. I mean that in the way a sword is tempered but I have learned that I don’t have to like it, but I do have to live with it. What light do we see by, those who have never been allowed to see the dawn?
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Silence
Jul 16, 2014 7:25:13 GMT -5
Post by mee on Jul 16, 2014 7:25:13 GMT -5
the shout out from in to out , gets us back to the in , to see who listened was us , but hoping something else heard anyway :_)
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mee
Crimson Soul
Posts: 117
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Silence
Jul 16, 2014 7:29:10 GMT -5
Post by mee on Jul 16, 2014 7:29:10 GMT -5
the shout out from in to out , gets us back to the in , to see who listened was us , but hoping something else heard anyway :_)
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Silence
Jul 18, 2014 2:42:15 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jul 18, 2014 2:42:15 GMT -5
Deaf, dumb, and blind, but damn… oh how I do feel. Thanks me Hey, there is a pun there that fits LOL
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