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Post by Bastet on Mar 10, 2014 12:47:30 GMT -5
v2
Hungered, I gnaw on denuded ribs for support
my stingy echoes lie when they plunk off empty walls, a begging bowl of cravings.
I will never be full.
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v1 Hungered I gnaw on my ribs for support
stingy echoes lie when they plunk off empty walls a begging bowl of cravings
I will never be full
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Post by twistedangel on Mar 11, 2014 7:15:30 GMT -5
Great little write ...tho I had to google 'stingy' didnt know if you meant like to be stung by a stingy thing or miser...glad its miser gives the meaning power only thing I dont like...not really a crit just personal...I dont like the word 'plunk'..maybe am a wordist Anyways nice piece really enjoyed it
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Post by nibbana on Mar 12, 2014 17:38:49 GMT -5
The one word line intro is distracting from the lilt of the remainder.
"Plunk"ing off walls gave me the impression of pebbles, so interesting interplay there between written word and implied sound. Really interesting. And why are the echoes stingy? The chewing on your own ribs gave me a twisted mental image, would have liked to see that angle worked a wee more. Very nice piece though.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 13, 2014 12:49:25 GMT -5
Nice one zombie. I love “a begging bowl of cravings” The duplicity is perfectly human.
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Post by Bastet on Mar 17, 2014 12:28:29 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback, everyone Angel, stingy as in ungenerous, to be sure. A wordist? LOLOL, I'm gonna have to remember that and use it myself. What don't you like about plunk? Is it just unmelodious? Or ? Nibbana picked up on what I wanted to convey. I will put some more effort into honing this piece. I like it and want to improve it as much as I can. Thank you, Lonely. (I prefer 'Parakeet' to zombie, or just zp).
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Mar 19, 2014 15:41:50 GMT -5
LOL I liked Atomic better than zombie or parakeet but I'm just glad to see you here
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Post by Aish on Mar 20, 2014 13:21:52 GMT -5
A begging bowl of cravings reminds me of Leonard Cohen. For a short piece it's quite evocative. Are L1 & 2 in S2 necessary? I like those two lines, but they feel like the start of something different to me. Really nice work.
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Post by psr1257 on Mar 30, 2014 7:21:08 GMT -5
It reminds me Japanese poetry but I read just a few of.
Gnaw instead of chew? But it is up to author.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 5, 2014 22:47:33 GMT -5
Ooh, I like gnaw! Gonna change that right now. LF, it's not about what you like now, is it?
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Post by twistedangel on Apr 6, 2014 4:20:20 GMT -5
how about AtomicZombie will say tho 'gnaw' is a awesome suggestion
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Starvation
Apr 10, 2014 10:13:43 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ruddymcsunshine on Apr 10, 2014 10:13:43 GMT -5
I'm a big fan of short poetry though it would be interesting to take it a little further. This was very amusing and has plenty of room to move.
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Starvation
Apr 10, 2014 10:16:24 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by ruddymcsunshine on Apr 10, 2014 10:16:24 GMT -5
And the imagery though be it macabre was some how ...... Sweet, like a cute sculpture made of meat.
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Post by Bastet on Apr 11, 2014 9:32:43 GMT -5
A sculpture made of meat - lol, makes me think of Lady Gaga's dress and shoes made of meat. Hi, Ruddy, thank you for the feedback.
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Post by nibbana on Apr 15, 2014 20:47:59 GMT -5
I'm going to play with your words a little bit. As much as I like your work, I think it could be more.
Hungered I gnaw on denuded ribs for support
my stingy echoes lie when they plunk off empty walls, a begging bowl of cravings.
I will never be full.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2014 2:20:19 GMT -5
I do like Nibanna's edit of this and I can definitely see how this piece flows better as a result of some changes. There are however, equally some gems in here. This piece could almost reflect an eating disorder with its image of gnawing right down to the ribs. 'Stingy' is a common English word and one I use a lot, so the 'stingy echoes' imply a certain level of loneliness which is useful to the personal tone of this piece.
I'm still not sure about the word 'plunk' though at the same time it has a delightful audible quality. Hmmm. The piece as a whole has potential. I enjoyed piecing together the puzzle never the less.
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