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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 24, 2014 13:54:34 GMT -5
My Song V.3
A drum with no head wind with no reed or a lyre with no strings
Sky with no stars a childless father dreams without sleep A life that cannot wake
A song with no voice Still... it is mine
Lonelyforsaken _____________________________________________________________________ A drum with no head. A wind with no reed. A lyre with no strings.
A sky with no stars. A father with no child. A dream that won’t sleep. A life that cannot wake. A song with no voice. Still, it is mine.
It is mine.
LonelyForsaken
------------------Original------------------------- My Song
A drum with no head. A wind with no reed. A lyre with no strings.
A sky with no stars. A father with no mother. A dream with no waking. A song with no voice. Still, it is mine. It is mine.
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My Song
Jan 24, 2014 21:34:49 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jan 24, 2014 21:34:49 GMT -5
This paired down style suits you, LF. It's sadly sharp and poignant. I think a childless father makes more sense, but it remains a dirge of futility.
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My Song
Jan 25, 2014 14:52:37 GMT -5
Post by windfog on Jan 25, 2014 14:52:37 GMT -5
I like it. It's powerful. It's short and powerful. W.F.
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My Song
Jan 26, 2014 16:45:13 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 26, 2014 16:45:13 GMT -5
Thanks
You’re right. I went back and forth on that one a few times. I’ve been trying to work in “dream” and “life” too but the wording seems awkward to me.
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My Song
Jan 28, 2014 10:35:58 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on Jan 28, 2014 10:35:58 GMT -5
the repeating of this is mine does nothing to accentuate the sentiment of the saying, it is potent enough alone, perhaps "... and still it is mine" but also I like the perspective of "father with no child" as it rings true to me from that view point. Nice work.
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My Song
Jan 29, 2014 3:25:04 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 29, 2014 3:25:04 GMT -5
Hmmmm? I had hoped it would give a transitional feeling. Moving from realizing “it is mine” to the completeness of owning it. Would a blank line help?
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My Song
Jan 31, 2014 12:01:42 GMT -5
Post by twistedangel on Jan 31, 2014 12:01:42 GMT -5
gotta say i also prefer the "A father with no child" line..its more a leading line than 'childless father' IMO the last line is a cool idea but it falls a buit flat being just a repeat, maybe 'All mine' could work ? or as you said a blank line.. tho arnt they a bit ermm pointless ? not sure without seeing it..err can you actually see a blank line anyways is deffo a hard hitting write LOVED it
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My Song
Jan 31, 2014 17:31:23 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 31, 2014 17:31:23 GMT -5
Actually, originally it said; “A father with no mother.”It started with “child” but I let my own fixation interfere. Childless father fits much better. “not sure without seeing it..err can you actually see a blank line” – LOL That is like asking if zero is a number. Is it? Can nothing be something? If I go half the distance to getting there each day how long will it take me to get there? Well, that is two no’s on the repetition so it’s gone. Or is it? LOL You make me smile. Thanks Angel
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My Song
Jan 31, 2014 22:40:45 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jan 31, 2014 22:40:45 GMT -5
Adore the edit. Great job with this piece, LF!
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 3, 2014 4:29:44 GMT -5
Thanks Aish.
You know, I’m not sure the second stanza is needed at all. It becomes purely musical without it.
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My Song
Feb 5, 2014 18:39:17 GMT -5
Post by Veritas on Feb 5, 2014 18:39:17 GMT -5
... just being myself I.E. a dick, but it seems to me you never get tired of commenting on your own work?
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My Song
Feb 8, 2014 14:39:18 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Feb 8, 2014 14:39:18 GMT -5
It’s easier and safe. I threw it up as an observation but it is also a question. What do you think?
At least I try to remain constructive.
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My Song
Aug 6, 2015 15:45:31 GMT -5
Post by LonelyForsaken on Aug 6, 2015 15:45:31 GMT -5
Taking my own advice I made a few small changes. I think I can call this the final version and write it in my book. It took awhile but I think Aish was right about “Childless.” It has a ring to it. Thanks everyone.
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My Song
Aug 6, 2015 17:37:25 GMT -5
Post by fourtimefelon on Aug 6, 2015 17:37:25 GMT -5
v.3 is on point, imo
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