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Post by Veritas on Jan 21, 2014 15:56:45 GMT -5
grief stricken apathy sickened
self hatred divine light
tragedy spread eagle
stapled to the lab table like a dissected frog
freedom defined by law
slaves running headlong
into oblivion
... the plot ensues though confused
coming together coming apart
LIFE IS ART
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Post by Veritas on Jan 21, 2014 16:12:37 GMT -5
tittle suggestions welcome
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 21, 2014 19:57:50 GMT -5
Not an easy one to title. My first impression is that you should have stopped at; “coming together coming apart” and title it “Life is Art.”
Thanks for sharing I’ll come back to this one soon.
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Post by windfog on Jan 22, 2014 1:28:52 GMT -5
Very deep and clever piece. I'd call it "Billy." W.F.
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Post by Aish on Jan 23, 2014 22:58:01 GMT -5
Title it "Plasticine".
Read together it's perfect.
Pulled out and read alone S2-5 speaks its own language. Demons can't stand in the moonlight.
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Post by LonelyForsaken on Jan 24, 2014 13:29:18 GMT -5
Plasticine? - —used for a soft material that is like clay and that is used especially by children for making models of people, animals, etc. - Merriam-Webster Online
On my first read I though the opening line lacked a bit of something but now I feel it sets up the mood nicely. It’s just not the same poem without it. “Into Oblivion” fits well but is a bit cliché eh? “Dissected Frog” would help set up an on display kind of feel. “coming together coming apart” – Really love this strophe. Want to see it as the opening or ending but Aish is right about the last two strophs sounding good together.
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Post by Aish on Jan 24, 2014 22:08:24 GMT -5
Yes. Plasticine. It never hardens. It remains malleable. Even the connotation of molded figures that can be reshaped, molded, pushed, pulled, destroyed, re- invented is appropriate to me. Plus it's inorganic, and that sounds about right, too.
It's only my suggestion. Fire may think it's ludichrys.
I love the shape. It's reminiscent of a lava lamp.
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Post by twistedangel on Jan 31, 2014 12:48:35 GMT -5
i LOVE the end..but you couldnt call it 'Life is Art' cos it would kill the line an punch this has..that last line HAS to be stubbled on..if that makes sense i been thinking about this a lot (well not to much cos thinking about anything for more than 5 mins gives me headache) but maybe somthing simple like 'Critique' ?
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