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Hate me
May 28, 2008 9:50:45 GMT -5
Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on May 28, 2008 9:50:45 GMT -5
Everything is dark. Everything has lost its color. Things look so fake, my happiness is gone. Sleeping is better than being awake. you never loved me. Love is a lie, i will die alone. I am lonely. I am hated. I am pathetic. Nothing will ever love something as disgusting as me.
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Hate me
May 28, 2008 18:41:04 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on May 28, 2008 18:41:04 GMT -5
Ok Im going to be completely upfront with you, morbid.
This piece is just cliche ideas. Almost every line there has been said before, has been read before.. Many times. If you want to evoke emotion in your readers make your writing personal. Get descriptive. Find something in the situation that is unique to you or that you can put your own spin on.
Experiment! The more you read & write poetry the more individual your style will become. Yes, you will pick up bits and pieces from authors here and there, but eventually you will have something that is entirely different and you.
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Hate me
May 30, 2008 20:05:17 GMT -5
Post by lonelylove on May 30, 2008 20:05:17 GMT -5
i agree with phoenix alot on this. it almost seems like a personal write off a song that is called "hate me" the song and your poam are alot alike is all i'm saying and for me i don't like the song and this is not my cup of tea eaither. that and like she said it's alot of cliche lines squished together into a poam. sorry if i sound harsh but thats what ifeel and feel free to say my poams suck.
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Hate me
May 31, 2008 11:04:40 GMT -5
Post by _black phoenix_ on May 31, 2008 11:04:40 GMT -5
I dont want to see ANY feedback saying "this sucks" straight up. If you have anything negative to say, try your very best to be constructive about it. Lonely, if you find something you dont like, give a suggestion on how to improve it! Just giving one side doesnt help people grow and learn from their poetry. We are a community.. Be here to help as well as share.
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Hate me
Jun 4, 2008 16:55:40 GMT -5
Post by lonelylove on Jun 4, 2008 16:55:40 GMT -5
ok let me clarify. i don't think this piese sucks that is not what i'm saying at all. what i meant was i know my stuff is bad and if he got mad at my coment he could get revenge because i know it's bad. and for a comment to morbid--don't use alot of cliches because they take away from any piece no matter how personal it is.
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Hate me
Jun 5, 2008 15:50:20 GMT -5
Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 5, 2008 15:50:20 GMT -5
ok lonely, i didnt take "Hate me" from the song that blue october wrote beside there are different things that other people title their work with the same as others like music artists, sometimes they title songs that are already used its not that their stealing or copying it it just means that they either dont have anything else to call it or that is just what fits.
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Hate me
Jun 5, 2008 16:56:03 GMT -5
Post by lonelylove on Jun 5, 2008 16:56:03 GMT -5
ok i seem to be doing a bad job with this giving feedback thing. i'm not saying you copied i was saying that you heard it then changed it made it "personal" to you with cliches and then put it up on here. they are simmilar. that is what i should have said to begin with. and i'm sorry for all miscommunications on my part.
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Hate me
Jun 5, 2008 19:22:37 GMT -5
Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 5, 2008 19:22:37 GMT -5
ok, thank you.
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wkdclwn
Dark Initiate
Dimension of Imagination
Posts: 33
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Post by wkdclwn on Jun 8, 2008 5:04:19 GMT -5
Sure the lines here have been said before, but have not most of our lines been heard somewhere before? Regardless of how many times I have heard the lines written I still enjoyed the work. I am recovering from a life threatening gun shot injury from my ex and this really speaks to my thoughts at the moment. Good job.
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Hate me
Jun 20, 2008 16:49:33 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 20, 2008 16:49:33 GMT -5
Even if the emotion behind the work is identifiable and easily accepted, that doesn't mean a weak piece of writing should stay just that - weak. Try to find a more artistic, individual way to share what you are feeling - THAT'S POETRY. As this stands now, it's just another droning spiel that could have been penned by any 14 year old in the throes of hormonal imbalance. Please, people - what about a firey romance with a thesaurus???
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Hate me
Jun 20, 2008 20:51:37 GMT -5
Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 20, 2008 20:51:37 GMT -5
i accept your citicism and in the future i will make my writing better but not "Romance" im sorry but love is dead to me.
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Hate me
Jun 27, 2008 18:01:24 GMT -5
Post by 2standalone on Jun 27, 2008 18:01:24 GMT -5
Ok. there have been a lot of comments for you and i think you get what is "weak" about your poem.. It may not seem terribly individual to the reader.. and thats ok. writting poetry can be very good for a person- theraputic. it seems like you got some release from writting this yes?? keep it up.. But if you look for different words and phrases to express in the poem and(lets say) evolve it, you will have a much better handle on your emotion. It works for me.. most of my work is blowing off steam.. I can rarely write when I am in a good mood because I have nothing to say. But honestly, there is some real potential. I like what i see.. strong emotion makes a strong poem..
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Hate me
Jun 28, 2008 17:13:36 GMT -5
Post by Aish on Jun 28, 2008 17:13:36 GMT -5
Perhaps you should read my comment a little more indepth. I did not say to write about romance - I said have a romance with a thesaurus. So, just in case you don't know what that is - look it up!!!! It will help your writing.
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Hate me
Jun 30, 2008 16:07:51 GMT -5
Post by xxxmorbiddreamsxxx on Jun 30, 2008 16:07:51 GMT -5
so should i just delete this?
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Hate me
Jun 30, 2008 16:37:03 GMT -5
Post by jyrascarn on Jun 30, 2008 16:37:03 GMT -5
Xray! You stark raving blind? Keep it!
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