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Dark Star Poetry Forum

Dark Star Poetry : Forum :: Poetry :: Melancholia :: To being all grown up???

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Topic: To being all grown up??? (Read 269 times)

reprobate
Dark Initiate

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Living the only life I got...

Joined: Nov 2006
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Location: ozark, ar.

To being all grown up???
« Thread Started on Jul 28, 2008, 4:32pm »

To Adulthood

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The child walking in the Man's shoes
Remembers the dandelion wishes
The skinned-knee ice-cream cones
And the grandiose dreams of summers past

The man living with the child's heart
Can't help but remember that first kiss
The sweetness of the lingering touch
And the indelicate pain of her goodbye

The soul breathing all their sighs
Tries to remember what life's about
The interminable seconds of time's march
Revealing the frailty of the child, the man and the soul

The grave that holds them now
Remembers not the history nor the plans
It does not care of Hope,Pride or Rest
It just is what is it is, a black soil nest

The revelation of a life once lived
Are memories pages exposed
Laid bare for all to see
The minutes of what was and no longer will be
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A true cockroach never gives up!
--Ralph
*Joe's Apartment*

Kitten
Master of Critique

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Posts: 1,719
Location: Indiana

Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #1 on Jul 28, 2008, 8:26pm »

I like that first stanza a lot. Those specific details actually add something unique. "skinned-knee ice-cream cones" thats my favorite.

" The soul breathing all their sighs" should that be the -souls- and it needs an -is-/-are- in there too.

I also liked the "soil nest", that's an interesting image.

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[MpB:http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r65/tsiganka/Misc/magnolia_blossoms_184_big.jpg]

_black phoenix_
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:: Leash ::
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.:Frosted Melancholic:.

Joined: Jul 2003
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Posts: 6,364
Location: BC, Canada.

Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #2 on Jul 29, 2008, 11:25am »

This makes me think of ducks.. I always see them paired up, but when I find one spouseless duck I just want to break down and cry.

I cant imagine the pain of this. Reading it alone cut me deep.

Gentle and beautiful style, Reprobate. I dont have any suggestions other than a title that is more reflective of your poem.. Something with a little more grace.

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[MpB:http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v81/leash_poznikoff/c281ab39.jpg].: We exist hand in hand, a dark desire that light had missed :.

hellsangel
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Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #3 on Jul 29, 2008, 8:19pm »

I enjoyed this a lot. It reminded me of something I seen today, and the thought brought moisture to my eyes and a smile to my face.
I live in a small town in West-Virginia where everybody pretty much knows each other. There was a gentleman who sat on the front steps of the court house on main street, who just passed away. He lived in that courthouse in the basement, he was ninety some years old and most if not all his family had passed. Everybody knew this man cause when you'd drive by after a long day of work or a day of shopping he'd be sitting out there on those steps waving at you, with a smile on his face. I think he was happy cause he made the best of everything. He cleaned the floors and windows in turn for his living at the courthouse. When I drove by there today coming home from work, there were flowers outside lined up where that man sat. He also made front page of the newspaper I read today. I know it will never look the same outside that courthouse, that man sat there when my parents were kids.
Thanks for your poem, it really had me thinking.

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_black phoenix_
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.:Frosted Melancholic:.

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Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #4 on Aug 5, 2008, 1:37pm »

Congrats on the top poem submitted for our Dark July contest, Reprobate. I will keep this stickied at the top of the board for the rest of the month.

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[MpB:http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v81/leash_poznikoff/c281ab39.jpg].: We exist hand in hand, a dark desire that light had missed :.

jmcc16
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Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #5 on Aug 22, 2008, 2:14am »

I really like the line "indelicate pain of her goodby" I think that should be the title or "black soil nest" both are powerful

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Crucifying_Aphrodite
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Closer to you..

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Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #6 on Aug 28, 2008, 12:23am »

great write..i really liked the second last stanza..:) perfect concept

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[MpB:http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v666/Musedm3/Candles.jpg]I see you broken..but i stand on the other side of mending you..

Jeniveve
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Re: To being all grown up???
« Reply #7 on Aug 28, 2008, 10:52am »

Wow, in a way this makes me think of when you get dementia, sort of, as you mind goes a bit loco and you think your somewhere else, like you're living within a memory, when my gran got it she thought she was back in Ireland with her brothers...

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